Sent: December 21/09 10:11pm
Pat: Hey, I was getting ready and realized I'm just exhausted. Rain check?
Chase: You faggot.
Pat: Fuck you!
12.21.2009
12.17.2009
Confirm or ignore?
Sent: Dec 9/09 9:07 pm
Terin: Um, my Grammy is now on Facebook.
Rachel: (Head shaking, eyes closed)
Terin: She's gonna see our trailer park Christmas photo on there now!
Rachel: There are pictures of us in a bathroom stoned with a dog and you're worried about the National Lampoon's Trip to the Trailer picture??
Terin: Um, my Grammy is now on Facebook.
Rachel: (Head shaking, eyes closed)
Terin: She's gonna see our trailer park Christmas photo on there now!
Rachel: There are pictures of us in a bathroom stoned with a dog and you're worried about the National Lampoon's Trip to the Trailer picture??
12.09.2009
Resume services.
Sent: Dec 2/09 4:11 pm
Terin: God, the hobo next to me in the library fucking stinks!
Rachel: Isn't that his job?!
Terin: Duties on resume: stink up public places and offer unwanted advice.
Rachel: Talents include: scrounging for aluminum cans, making rich white women uncomfortable, and wearing the same pair of underwear for multiple weeks.
Terin: God, the hobo next to me in the library fucking stinks!
Rachel: Isn't that his job?!
Terin: Duties on resume: stink up public places and offer unwanted advice.
Rachel: Talents include: scrounging for aluminum cans, making rich white women uncomfortable, and wearing the same pair of underwear for multiple weeks.
12.02.2009
All you need is a Myspace.
Sent: Nov 30/09 3:17 pm
Discouraged by Dating: I bet I could get a 15 year old girl to like me. Ney, fall in LOVE with me.
Terin: Don't even try. She's not like some horny internet midget you can fuck with!
Discouraged by Dating: What if I got her pregnant and changed my phone number?!
Terin: Fifteen year olds are crafty! Look at your little sister.
Discouraged by Dating: I bet I could get a 15 year old girl to like me. Ney, fall in LOVE with me.
Terin: Don't even try. She's not like some horny internet midget you can fuck with!
Discouraged by Dating: What if I got her pregnant and changed my phone number?!
Terin: Fifteen year olds are crafty! Look at your little sister.
Phantom ass.
Sent: Nov 25/09 4:10 pm
Rachel: Notes on the war with IBS: Had an ass grumble today and I almost couldn't tell if it was my phone vibrating in my purse or my bowels.
Rachel: Notes on the war with IBS: Had an ass grumble today and I almost couldn't tell if it was my phone vibrating in my purse or my bowels.
OC Observation
Sent: Nov 24/09 6:41 on
Rachel: OC Observation: young Latino man at the laundromat wearing high-waisted, light-washed skinny jeans, with high tops and an argyle sweater, listening to Usher (loudly) on his phone.
Terin: God, I bet that argyle and jean combo isn't even ironic.
Rachel: Fuck. Now he's listening to "Wanna Make Love in This Club" and I keep farting trying to stifle my giggles.
Rachel: OC Observation: young Latino man at the laundromat wearing high-waisted, light-washed skinny jeans, with high tops and an argyle sweater, listening to Usher (loudly) on his phone.
Terin: God, I bet that argyle and jean combo isn't even ironic.
Rachel: Fuck. Now he's listening to "Wanna Make Love in This Club" and I keep farting trying to stifle my giggles.
Rice paper shortage.
Sent: Nov 20/09 6:48 pm
Rachel: For some reason I always get left high and dry in all my pen pal relationships.
Terin: Yeah...the Saga of Pat and Marilyn ended because I was too lazy to buy stamps.
Rachel: And now you'll have that over your head for the rest of your life. Ha, no, I mean like legit pen pals- when I was a kid I had one from China and the bitch just stopped fucking writing me letters!
Terin: She was probably "purged" if you know what I mean.
Rachel: Wink!
Rachel: For some reason I always get left high and dry in all my pen pal relationships.
Terin: Yeah...the Saga of Pat and Marilyn ended because I was too lazy to buy stamps.
Rachel: And now you'll have that over your head for the rest of your life. Ha, no, I mean like legit pen pals- when I was a kid I had one from China and the bitch just stopped fucking writing me letters!
Terin: She was probably "purged" if you know what I mean.
Rachel: Wink!
Gracious whore.
Sent: Nov 28/09 5:03 pm
Whore 1: Do you remember last week when I hooked up with that dude?
Whore 2: Yeah, elaborate.
Whore 1: Wellllll, he is a dirty bird. He is all about sending me dirty texts.
Whore 2: Dirty texting always fees like 90's AOL chatroom sexxx.
Whore 1: Yeah, haha. He told me he liked my big dick hairy hole and he was gonna be my daddy.
Whore 2: Big dick hairy hole?
Whore 1: Lol, yeah. I said, "thanks".
Whore 2: Ha, just respond to his lewd texts with very polite ones.
Whore 1: "Appreciate it."
Whore 2: Much gratitude.
Whore 1: Why thank you, kind sir.
Whore 2: To you, I owe much thanks, big daddy.
Whore 1: Do you remember last week when I hooked up with that dude?
Whore 2: Yeah, elaborate.
Whore 1: Wellllll, he is a dirty bird. He is all about sending me dirty texts.
Whore 2: Dirty texting always fees like 90's AOL chatroom sexxx.
Whore 1: Yeah, haha. He told me he liked my big dick hairy hole and he was gonna be my daddy.
Whore 2: Big dick hairy hole?
Whore 1: Lol, yeah. I said, "thanks".
Whore 2: Ha, just respond to his lewd texts with very polite ones.
Whore 1: "Appreciate it."
Whore 2: Much gratitude.
Whore 1: Why thank you, kind sir.
Whore 2: To you, I owe much thanks, big daddy.
11.25.2009
Yahoo! chat from 1997.
Sent: Nov 24/09 at 7:37pm
Chase: a/s/l?
Mike: 43/mermaid/the moon
Chase: 82/shim/Canada
Chase: a/s/l?
Mike: 43/mermaid/the moon
Chase: 82/shim/Canada
Sexting
Sent: Nov 22/09 at 2:03pm
Chase: 8====D
Kelli: (o)(o)
Chase: (_o_)
Kelli: is that a vag or a uni-tit?
Chase: neither. It's a b-hole. A huge one.
Kelli: A stretched one. Cute.
Chase: Dainty.
Kelli: ( Y )
Chase: no nipz?
Kelli: That was a butt.
Kelli: :0===8 beej
Chase: (_=)==8 anal sesh.
Kelli: }===={ ass to ass
Chase: 8====D====8 cock docking.
Chase: 8====D
Kelli: (o)(o)
Chase: (_o_)
Kelli: is that a vag or a uni-tit?
Chase: neither. It's a b-hole. A huge one.
Kelli: A stretched one. Cute.
Chase: Dainty.
Kelli: ( Y )
Chase: no nipz?
Kelli: That was a butt.
Kelli: :0===8 beej
Chase: (_=)==8 anal sesh.
Kelli: }===={ ass to ass
Chase: 8====D====8 cock docking.
Blood brothers.
Sent: Nov 19/09 9:43am
Chad: Been pooping for the last 10 minutes. Not the shits. Solid poop.
Chad: Been pooping for the last 10 minutes. Not the shits. Solid poop.
Praying is for IDIOTS
Sent: Nov 21/09 at 5:04pm
Chase: People who pray for things other than money or fame are stupid. If you're going to waste your time doing something that is fake at least make it fun.
Rachel: Right??! Screw praying for your cancer to go away- at least pray for chocolate flavored giz. Whose praying is pissing you off?
Chase: No one in general. It was just a thought. Yeah, I'll pray for my cancer to go away the day that the gov't releases that AIDs vaccine they're hiding.
Rachel: And the surplus they've got buried in Utah somewhere.
Chase: Under a temple of spousal abuse and molestation. I mean, Mormon temple.
Rachel: That's probably why they don't let anyone in their 'sacred houses of the Lord'.
Chase: People who pray for things other than money or fame are stupid. If you're going to waste your time doing something that is fake at least make it fun.
Rachel: Right??! Screw praying for your cancer to go away- at least pray for chocolate flavored giz. Whose praying is pissing you off?
Chase: No one in general. It was just a thought. Yeah, I'll pray for my cancer to go away the day that the gov't releases that AIDs vaccine they're hiding.
Rachel: And the surplus they've got buried in Utah somewhere.
Chase: Under a temple of spousal abuse and molestation. I mean, Mormon temple.
Rachel: That's probably why they don't let anyone in their 'sacred houses of the Lord'.
11.16.2009
God is dead, but he hated SoCo.
Sent: Nov 15/09 5:22 pm
Rachel: At a bar listening to people talk "philosophy" (and I use that term loosely) and I want to kill them all.
Terin: Spill all of their drinks and tell them you're a nihilist anarchist.
Rachel: At a bar listening to people talk "philosophy" (and I use that term loosely) and I want to kill them all.
Terin: Spill all of their drinks and tell them you're a nihilist anarchist.
Blazing bathrooms.
Sent: Nov 14/09 12:56 am
Unnamed Stoner: Just smoked weed on the toilet. Best. Night. Ever.
Unnamed Stoner: Just smoked weed on the toilet. Best. Night. Ever.
Only in Downtown Brooklyn.
Sent: Nov 12/09 4:16 pm
Alyssa: Three people were shot at a free chicken wing promotion lat night. Nobody stands between a hungry black man and free wings!
Terin: Shut the fuck up.
Alyssa: Three people were shot at a free chicken wing promotion lat night. Nobody stands between a hungry black man and free wings!
Terin: Shut the fuck up.
Heavenly.
Sent: Nov 15/09 2:43 pm
Terin: Hey, I was just thinking of you!
Chase: What about? I'm currently taking a dump!
Terin: When you make a bowel movement, I just know. It's like an angel getting its wings.
Chase: Angels aren't real! But I'd like to hope that every time I dump, a homeless man dies.
Terin: Hey, I was just thinking of you!
Chase: What about? I'm currently taking a dump!
Terin: When you make a bowel movement, I just know. It's like an angel getting its wings.
Chase: Angels aren't real! But I'd like to hope that every time I dump, a homeless man dies.
Crude.
Sent: Nov 9/09 12:48 pm
Chase: If I could send you the fart that just came out of my ass via text, you'd pass out upon opening the message.
Chase: If I could send you the fart that just came out of my ass via text, you'd pass out upon opening the message.
Roo & Rach
Sent: Nov 9/09 7:11 pm
Terin: I would love so much to live with you, Rachel. I miss you terribly.
Rachel: I'll carry you in a pouch sling.
Terin: God, I just visualized that, like baby Terin and you all lopsided.
Rachel: Ha, I'll call you Roo.
Terin: Roo n' Rach.
Rachel: Haha, fucking gross. Can you see the Christmas card?!
Terin: Yes! In Santa hats and a red fur trimmed pouch.
Rachel: Baha. "Seasons Greetings to You and Yours. Love, Roo & Rach."
Terin: I would love so much to live with you, Rachel. I miss you terribly.
Rachel: I'll carry you in a pouch sling.
Terin: God, I just visualized that, like baby Terin and you all lopsided.
Rachel: Ha, I'll call you Roo.
Terin: Roo n' Rach.
Rachel: Haha, fucking gross. Can you see the Christmas card?!
Terin: Yes! In Santa hats and a red fur trimmed pouch.
Rachel: Baha. "Seasons Greetings to You and Yours. Love, Roo & Rach."
Thoughts from Rachel.
Sent: Nov 9/09 12:32 pm
Rachel: There is a woman who works in the same building as me and she has a sticker on her car that says "Pirate Princess." I want to leave a note on her car that says, "No, you are NOT a pirate princess. You drive a Saturn."
Rachel: There is a woman who works in the same building as me and she has a sticker on her car that says "Pirate Princess." I want to leave a note on her car that says, "No, you are NOT a pirate princess. You drive a Saturn."
A whole lotta angry vaginas.
Sent: Nov 6/09 7:47 am
Rachel: I think my neighbor's boyfriend must have broken up with her. she's been blaring sad-bastard music since 4:30 this morning. The playlist included John Mayer.
Terin: Haha, send some Liz Phair her way!
Rachel: I gave her "Jagged Little Pill".
Terin: Did you really?
Rachel: Figured Alanis has seen me through some rough ones, maybe she could help another sister!
Rachel: I think my neighbor's boyfriend must have broken up with her. she's been blaring sad-bastard music since 4:30 this morning. The playlist included John Mayer.
Terin: Haha, send some Liz Phair her way!
Rachel: I gave her "Jagged Little Pill".
Terin: Did you really?
Rachel: Figured Alanis has seen me through some rough ones, maybe she could help another sister!
11.15.2009
I need me a guido boy.
Sent: Nov 14/09 8:45pm
Chase: Jersey is pretty progressive as far as gay rights and marijuan,a but I don't think guidos would put up with that shit.
Rachel: Why else would those bitches get nails that long? They're not taking shit from anyone. No long hair either: a-lines and bang-poofs.
Chase: Have you see the preview for MTV's new show: JERSEY SHORE?!? I hope to meet a fine guido man at the shore. It's my destiny.
Rachel: Omg, I have. I've already prerecorded it. I hope you marry a guido just so I can come to your house.
Chase: *shore house. And I would totally date a guid. They are super protective and there is just so much muscle to hold on to. And yes, I meant guid NOT guido.
Rachel: Exactly. If anyone was ever rude to you, he would head-butt them to death.
Chase: Or have a dance off. God, I need a guido boyfriend.
Rachel: Yeah, you do. You could buy him gold chains and pet his chest hair.
Chase: No way! I want a smooth guido. Not Carl from Aqua Teen! Geez!
Rachel: Haha ew. What if he asks you to shave his ass?
Chase: I would gladly do it. I'd probably get a BMW or a Mazda 3 out of it. The guido cars of choice.
Chase: Jersey is pretty progressive as far as gay rights and marijuan,a but I don't think guidos would put up with that shit.
Rachel: Why else would those bitches get nails that long? They're not taking shit from anyone. No long hair either: a-lines and bang-poofs.
Chase: Have you see the preview for MTV's new show: JERSEY SHORE?!? I hope to meet a fine guido man at the shore. It's my destiny.
Rachel: Omg, I have. I've already prerecorded it. I hope you marry a guido just so I can come to your house.
Chase: *shore house. And I would totally date a guid. They are super protective and there is just so much muscle to hold on to. And yes, I meant guid NOT guido.
Rachel: Exactly. If anyone was ever rude to you, he would head-butt them to death.
Chase: Or have a dance off. God, I need a guido boyfriend.
Rachel: Yeah, you do. You could buy him gold chains and pet his chest hair.
Chase: No way! I want a smooth guido. Not Carl from Aqua Teen! Geez!
Rachel: Haha ew. What if he asks you to shave his ass?
Chase: I would gladly do it. I'd probably get a BMW or a Mazda 3 out of it. The guido cars of choice.
18 Kids and one sex abused wife.
Sent: Novr 14/09 8:23pm
Rachel: Ew, is that her hair?!
Chase: Yeah, it's her hair! It went down to her ankles and the hair tie was on but all the way past her ass.
Rachel: There is just no excuse for that, it's uncalled for.
Chase: Maybe she's the star of a TLC reality show about having 20 kids and driving them around in a semi. Take a peek at this lovely lady from the other day. Clearly it's ponytail lady's sister.
Rachel: And her struggle to come to terms with the fact that she married a child molester.
Chase: Just think, the only thing she's allowed to read is the bible and the back of her husband's hand when he beats her!
Rachel: Touche.
Rachel: Maybe they're in town for a family reunion?
(See: "I need me a guido boy")
Rachel: Ew, is that her hair?!
Chase: Yeah, it's her hair! It went down to her ankles and the hair tie was on but all the way past her ass.
Rachel: There is just no excuse for that, it's uncalled for.
Chase: Maybe she's the star of a TLC reality show about having 20 kids and driving them around in a semi. Take a peek at this lovely lady from the other day. Clearly it's ponytail lady's sister.
Rachel: And her struggle to come to terms with the fact that she married a child molester.
Chase: Just think, the only thing she's allowed to read is the bible and the back of her husband's hand when he beats her!
Rachel: Touche.
Rachel: Maybe they're in town for a family reunion?
(See: "I need me a guido boy")
A hag and her gays.
Sent: Nov 3/09 4:28pm
Sarah G: Come over to watch the new Kathy special, ya bitch.
Chase: Your house in Sussex Co.?
Sarah G: Helllsss yeah.
Chase: I'm only cumming if we watch Tabatha's Salon Takeover and I get to make out with Ed the dog. Oh, and is Amy cumming?
Sarah G: First of all, all of these things are givens. Second of all, stop saying cumming, I'll kill you.
Chase: If things are all givens then I'll def be kummin. What time shall I be over?
Sarah G: IDK yet. I'm being a slut at Wal-Mart with Nita. Nine-ish?
Chase: See ya then.
Sarah G: Come over to watch the new Kathy special, ya bitch.
Chase: Your house in Sussex Co.?
Sarah G: Helllsss yeah.
Chase: I'm only cumming if we watch Tabatha's Salon Takeover and I get to make out with Ed the dog. Oh, and is Amy cumming?
Sarah G: First of all, all of these things are givens. Second of all, stop saying cumming, I'll kill you.
Chase: If things are all givens then I'll def be kummin. What time shall I be over?
Sarah G: IDK yet. I'm being a slut at Wal-Mart with Nita. Nine-ish?
Chase: See ya then.
Halloween Whitecastle Beer Pong Champions
Sent: Nov 7/09 5:17pm
Ally: This shit tastes like MEATLOAF!!!
Chase: Get me another!
Ally: This shit tastes like MEATLOAF!!!
Chase: Get me another!
11.07.2009
Literate (and self-conscious) lesbians.
Sent: Nov 5/09 12:54 pm
Rachel: I am so tempted to leave my book on my desk so people will think there is more to me than being a dumb receptionist.
Terin: I do shit like that too! ie: Emerson books at the hunting store.
Rachel: An anti-conformist bible at a corporation. We are two peas in a radical pod.
Terin: Sigh.
Rachel: Luuuurrrve.
Rachel: I am so tempted to leave my book on my desk so people will think there is more to me than being a dumb receptionist.
Terin: I do shit like that too! ie: Emerson books at the hunting store.
Rachel: An anti-conformist bible at a corporation. We are two peas in a radical pod.
Terin: Sigh.
Rachel: Luuuurrrve.
1 UP!
Sent: Nov 4/09 1:17 pm
Rachel: It's like he knew you needed a rebound. South African sex is the best-so I hear.
Terin: It was quite nice. I was sore for a week last time.
Rachel: Jesus! Does he know that there are no extra points for popping your uterus?
Terin: You get gold coins like in Mario!
Rachel: 1 UP!
Rachel: It's like he knew you needed a rebound. South African sex is the best-so I hear.
Terin: It was quite nice. I was sore for a week last time.
Rachel: Jesus! Does he know that there are no extra points for popping your uterus?
Terin: You get gold coins like in Mario!
Rachel: 1 UP!
And after we listened to PJ Harvey.
Sent: Nov 6/09 5:55 pm
Courtney Love: So, I was fucking Eric the other night, and apparently had like, period afterbirth but I didn't know it. And I was handjobbing him before I got on top, blood got on my hand, and I left a filthy bloody handprint on his pillow.
Chase: I'm going to wreck my car.
Courtney Love: So, I was fucking Eric the other night, and apparently had like, period afterbirth but I didn't know it. And I was handjobbing him before I got on top, blood got on my hand, and I left a filthy bloody handprint on his pillow.
Chase: I'm going to wreck my car.
Civic doody.
Sent: Nov 3/09 11:50 am
Chase: I pooped a turd this morning that had to be like 20 inches long! Then I went to vote.
Chase: I pooped a turd this morning that had to be like 20 inches long! Then I went to vote.
God bless.
Sent: Oct 30/09 7:52 am
Rachel: Orange County Observation: bumper sticker that said, "Are you following Jesus this closely?" Self-righteous AND passive aggressive.
Rachel: Orange County Observation: bumper sticker that said, "Are you following Jesus this closely?" Self-righteous AND passive aggressive.
A trio of tramps.
Sent: Oct 31/09 1:17 pm
Jess: I shower and leave Ingrid and Cheri alone for ten minutes. Come back and they are flashing their tits to the construction workers on my balcony.
Jess: I shower and leave Ingrid and Cheri alone for ten minutes. Come back and they are flashing their tits to the construction workers on my balcony.
10.30.2009
Another gem from my genes.
Sent October 30/09 at 7 pm
Steven P: what do ya hay?
Chase: 'Sup?
Steven P: Saw the spawn of satan 2day.
Chase: Don't look directly into her eyes. Send me some chili.
Steven P: Never. My chili will knock ur lips off.
Chase: SEND IT TO ME
Steven P: Well jerk me off with a breast pump, I thought Chadder was the fan of my chili.
Steven P: what do ya hay?
Chase: 'Sup?
Steven P: Saw the spawn of satan 2day.
Chase: Don't look directly into her eyes. Send me some chili.
Steven P: Never. My chili will knock ur lips off.
Chase: SEND IT TO ME
Steven P: Well jerk me off with a breast pump, I thought Chadder was the fan of my chili.
Jew eyes.
Sent: Oct 28/09 6:50 pm
Hellbound: I'm trying to give sex eyes to this dude on the train and he's just too stupid to get it.
Sinner: Oh, I hate when that happens! Subtly draw attention to yourself!
Sinner: Any luck?
Hellbound: None. What a waste of my sexy eye giving! Whatever, I think he was a Jew anyway.
Hellbound: I'm trying to give sex eyes to this dude on the train and he's just too stupid to get it.
Sinner: Oh, I hate when that happens! Subtly draw attention to yourself!
Sinner: Any luck?
Hellbound: None. What a waste of my sexy eye giving! Whatever, I think he was a Jew anyway.
Really? At 6 in the evening?
Sent: Oct 27/09 6:43 pm
Chase: The community college campus smells like McDonald's breakfast.
Chase: The community college campus smells like McDonald's breakfast.
Drunks n D Cups.
Sent: Oct 22/09 11:23 pm
Chase: Getting wasty!
Terin: Motorboat someone in my honor.
Chase: I save that for you and Sam Tukey.
Terin: The two classiest ladies you know.
Chase: Pffffff. The two largest breasted women I know!
Chase: Getting wasty!
Terin: Motorboat someone in my honor.
Chase: I save that for you and Sam Tukey.
Terin: The two classiest ladies you know.
Chase: Pffffff. The two largest breasted women I know!
Finely tuned eating machine.
Sent: Oct 24/09 3:00 pm
Rachel: I'd like to think that, much like an athlete uses their body as a vessel for athleticism, I use my body as a vessel for delicious food.
Rachel: I'd like to think that, much like an athlete uses their body as a vessel for athleticism, I use my body as a vessel for delicious food.
Nutella.
Sent: Oct 23/09 12:22 am
Stoner eating sandwich: I just had crunchy peanut butter and Nutella together in one bite while high and it changed my life.
Stoner eating sandwich: I just had crunchy peanut butter and Nutella together in one bite while high and it changed my life.
I hope they serve chili cheese in hell.
Sent: Oct 21/09 11:04 pm
Terin: Just saw a man at the grocery store debating chili cheese Fritos and I wanted to whisper in his hear, "Just do it."
Rachel: Creeper. And savior.
Terin: What if Jesus was really just a creep? With a lot of unwanted advice?
Rachel: I'm convinced he was nothing more than the neighborhood crackhead.
Terin: My mother would find this series of texts to be very blasphemous.
Rachel: Let ye without sin cast the first stone.
Terin: Chili cheese sin?
Rachel: Leads to Lean Cuisine hell.
Terin: Just saw a man at the grocery store debating chili cheese Fritos and I wanted to whisper in his hear, "Just do it."
Rachel: Creeper. And savior.
Terin: What if Jesus was really just a creep? With a lot of unwanted advice?
Rachel: I'm convinced he was nothing more than the neighborhood crackhead.
Terin: My mother would find this series of texts to be very blasphemous.
Rachel: Let ye without sin cast the first stone.
Terin: Chili cheese sin?
Rachel: Leads to Lean Cuisine hell.
10.29.2009
Best text message ever?
Sent: October 28/09 at 6:10 pm
Steven P: Fuck, I love drinking Crown and shooting varmints and U 2.
Steven P: Fuck, I love drinking Crown and shooting varmints and U 2.
BARF
Sent: Oct 28/09 at 7:17 pm
SM: Hey, I am going to eat Chinese with ...your mom!
SS: I just barfed in my mouth
SM: Me too. Ugh! But we aren't leaving.
SS: Good! Aim the vomit at her table.
SM: Hey, I am going to eat Chinese with ...your mom!
SS: I just barfed in my mouth
SM: Me too. Ugh! But we aren't leaving.
SS: Good! Aim the vomit at her table.
10.23.2009
A whiff of poverty.
Sent: Oct 13/09 8:06 pm
Chase: The kid sitting in front of me smells like this girl I went to 1st grade with. Cockroaches and balls.
Terin: So he smells like a trailer?
Chase: Or a dumpster.
Chase: The kid sitting in front of me smells like this girl I went to 1st grade with. Cockroaches and balls.
Terin: So he smells like a trailer?
Chase: Or a dumpster.
Spicy.
Sent: Oct 19/09 7:50 am
Rachel: Monday morning trainreck: I'm wearing Carlos' deodorant because I forgot mine and now I smell man-ish.
Terin: Old Spice is better than spicy.
Rachel: Monday morning trainreck: I'm wearing Carlos' deodorant because I forgot mine and now I smell man-ish.
Terin: Old Spice is better than spicy.
At least you're not picking up Lipitor.
Sent: Oct 15/09 6:36 pm
Whore: Fuck. I'm getting Plan B in a crowded pharmacy and I can feel everyone thinking that I lead a sinful, dirty life.
Whore: Fuck. I'm getting Plan B in a crowded pharmacy and I can feel everyone thinking that I lead a sinful, dirty life.
Sartre's panties.
Sent: Oct 6/09 7:44 pm
Terin: Who are you reading in Philosophy?
Chase: Right now, Sartre. Your fave.
Terin: I do love him! How do you know that?
Chase: Because I'm a good friend, ya assface.
Terin: I bet you read my journal, DIDN'T YOU??
Chase: No, you've talked about him! I know everything. I bet I know what underwear you have on.
Terin: What underwear do I have on then? I'm bleeding and it's date night. It's a toss up!
Chase: Slutty ones!
Terin: Red for the blood, lace for the hot.
Terin: Who are you reading in Philosophy?
Chase: Right now, Sartre. Your fave.
Terin: I do love him! How do you know that?
Chase: Because I'm a good friend, ya assface.
Terin: I bet you read my journal, DIDN'T YOU??
Chase: No, you've talked about him! I know everything. I bet I know what underwear you have on.
Terin: What underwear do I have on then? I'm bleeding and it's date night. It's a toss up!
Chase: Slutty ones!
Terin: Red for the blood, lace for the hot.
10.13.2009
Meaty.
Sent: Oct 12/09 6:02 pm
Terin: Two weird Mexican men in a truck just offered me free steak.
Rachel: Creepy or not, free steak is free steak, woman!
Terin: I just didn't want to be the girl who accepted meat that was offered to her while she was bent over cleaning her car.
Rachel: Free steak = penis.
Terin: Steak meat n' man meat.
Terin: Two weird Mexican men in a truck just offered me free steak.
Rachel: Creepy or not, free steak is free steak, woman!
Terin: I just didn't want to be the girl who accepted meat that was offered to her while she was bent over cleaning her car.
Rachel: Free steak = penis.
Terin: Steak meat n' man meat.
Morning dew.
Sent: Oct 8/09 8:20 am
Early riser: Wake and bake at 8 am! Can't wait to go back to sleep!!
Early riser: Wake and bake at 8 am! Can't wait to go back to sleep!!
Chincy.
Sent: Oct 4/09 12:35 pm
Terin: We ran out of free knives for the sale at work and the rednecks were livid. They start caring about their rights and shit when there's a free knife on the table.
McChad: Give me liberty or a free Chinese knife!
Terin: We ran out of free knives for the sale at work and the rednecks were livid. They start caring about their rights and shit when there's a free knife on the table.
McChad: Give me liberty or a free Chinese knife!
UTI has struck a third.
Sent: Oct 9/09 6:42 pm
Rachel: Is it bad if I put a little vodka in my cranberry juice to cure my UTI? You know, to make the juice a little more exciting?
Terin: Not by Chelsea Handler's standards.
Rachel: Is it bad if I put a little vodka in my cranberry juice to cure my UTI? You know, to make the juice a little more exciting?
Terin: Not by Chelsea Handler's standards.
Firey Greeley passions.
Sent: Oct 1/09 8:35 am
Rachel: A woman in Greeley has been charged with destruction of private property for burning her husband's pants. AND the story ran in the Greeley Tribune.
Terin: Ahahaha, they were probably his best Carhartts.
Rachel: She put "multiple pairs" in the bathtub before setting them on fire because, "He's always right," and for once, she wanted him to "be wrong."
Terin: And even if she was wrong, who can argue with flaming pants?
Rachel: No one, no one.
Terin: Trump card: bathtub fire.
Rachel: I almost want to get married just so someday I can scream at someone, "That's it! Ima burn yer pants in the tub!"
Terin: Tru luv.
Rachel: A woman in Greeley has been charged with destruction of private property for burning her husband's pants. AND the story ran in the Greeley Tribune.
Terin: Ahahaha, they were probably his best Carhartts.
Rachel: She put "multiple pairs" in the bathtub before setting them on fire because, "He's always right," and for once, she wanted him to "be wrong."
Terin: And even if she was wrong, who can argue with flaming pants?
Rachel: No one, no one.
Terin: Trump card: bathtub fire.
Rachel: I almost want to get married just so someday I can scream at someone, "That's it! Ima burn yer pants in the tub!"
Terin: Tru luv.
A few of our favorite things.
Sent: Oct 4/09 12:45 am
Chase: Can you please become a compulsive hoarder?
Terin: Like (name left out because we're gossipy and mean)? No.
Chase: She didn't hoard! I'm talking your trailer so full that your children get taken away.
Terin: Oh, like a freak on TLC or Dateline.
Chase: A&E.
Terin: I wanna watch a show on Evangelicals now.
Chase: I'm watching "Matilda".
Terin: Fuck you! Fuck you and Miss Honey and Danny Devito.
Chase: Can you please become a compulsive hoarder?
Terin: Like (name left out because we're gossipy and mean)? No.
Chase: She didn't hoard! I'm talking your trailer so full that your children get taken away.
Terin: Oh, like a freak on TLC or Dateline.
Chase: A&E.
Terin: I wanna watch a show on Evangelicals now.
Chase: I'm watching "Matilda".
Terin: Fuck you! Fuck you and Miss Honey and Danny Devito.
A+
Sent: Sept 28/09 11:32 pm
Chase: I need to finish this paper but bedtime and masturbation are too tempting!
Chase: I need to finish this paper but bedtime and masturbation are too tempting!
9.28.2009
Chiggen.
Sent: Sept 25/09 11:06 pm
Jess: I feel like my colon is Japan and that chicken is the atomic bomb.
Jess: I feel like my colon is Japan and that chicken is the atomic bomb.
9.21.2009
Slacks/slacking.
Sent: Sept 20/09 12:28 pm
Chase: I'm rolling into work in the same clothes I wore yesterday. Idontevencare.
Terin: You are the beacon of professionalism!
Chase: I do what I can.
Chase: I'm rolling into work in the same clothes I wore yesterday. Idontevencare.
Terin: You are the beacon of professionalism!
Chase: I do what I can.
Any excuse for dairy.
Sent: Sept 15/09 10:27 pm
Hungry girl: The guy in the apartment below me is getting high and I am seriously considering going down there to join, just to have an excuse to eat ice cream for a second time today.
Hungry girl: The guy in the apartment below me is getting high and I am seriously considering going down there to join, just to have an excuse to eat ice cream for a second time today.
Dirty snatches.
Sent: Sept 16/09 9:59 pm
Jess: Found out I have an STD...thanks, bitch.
Terin: What??
Jess: You gave it to me.
Terin: Is it from all the scissoring in bacon panties? Do you really have one?
Jess: You're the only person I've slept with lately, besides Ingrid, that I didn't used a condom with.
Terin: Do you really have one, damnit?
Jess: Yeah, HPV hahaha.
Terin: And what can you do about it?
Jess: Hope I don't get cancer.
Terin: Are there symptoms? I don't know much about HPV.
Jess: No symptoms. I just have to be careful and go to the gyno a lot...yet another vagina issue for me.
Terin: Your vag is a trainwreck. Nickname it Amy Winehouse.
Jess: I personally think it's more of a Lindsey Lohan. It used to be popular for a while.
Jess: Found out I have an STD...thanks, bitch.
Terin: What??
Jess: You gave it to me.
Terin: Is it from all the scissoring in bacon panties? Do you really have one?
Jess: You're the only person I've slept with lately, besides Ingrid, that I didn't used a condom with.
Terin: Do you really have one, damnit?
Jess: Yeah, HPV hahaha.
Terin: And what can you do about it?
Jess: Hope I don't get cancer.
Terin: Are there symptoms? I don't know much about HPV.
Jess: No symptoms. I just have to be careful and go to the gyno a lot...yet another vagina issue for me.
Terin: Your vag is a trainwreck. Nickname it Amy Winehouse.
Jess: I personally think it's more of a Lindsey Lohan. It used to be popular for a while.
On Demand makes everything better.
Sent 09/19 at 11:44am
Cory: Kevin told me he was seeing someone and it really hurt. Am I being retarded?
Chase: No, but who cares if he is!?
Cory: I dunno but was hear to hear nonetheless.
Chase: Yeah, but you have a cool apartment and HBO on Demand!
Cory: True. Thanks.
Chase: OH! ANDRES Showtime on Demand! So good.
Chase: uhh, AND*
Cory: Loves it.
Chase: Whattttt happened to Andres???
Cory: Who knows. Probably Syphilis.
GIVE THEM TO ME!
Sent 09/19 at 4:44pm
Chad: Just got hooked up with some authentic Chilean empandas.
Chase: Throw them in my gullet now!
Chad: FUCK YOU!
Chase: GIVE THEM TO ME!
Chad: Negative.
9.15.2009
God listens to CCR on loop.
Sent: Sept 15/09 8:43 am
Rachel: Apparently in her VMA acceptance speech, Lady Gaga thanked God and the gays. Someone needs to inform her that God sure as shit didn't buy that album and play it at his nightclub.
Terin: Hahaha, when are you going to go on your comedy tour?
Rachel: As soon as people other than you and my parents buy tickets.
Earl grey fecal matter.
Sent: Sept 12/09 7:31 pm
Brandy: Sweet. I'm excited to drink tea and bullshit. I'm pretty sure this is a pre-cursor to my senior years.
Terin: Bring your knitting needles and crossword puzzles!
Brandy: Ha. And my ciggs and oxygen tank.
Terin: Shit yeah, haha. Then we can go to Bingo! I'll wave around my lunchlady arms.
Brandy: We can only hope that it'll attract attention to us in later years. Minus the soiled diaper smell.
Terin: Ew, there is no dignity in aging, wondering if that poop smell is in fact, you.
Brandy: That's why old people like babies so much.
Terin: Haha, I would just blame it on the children. Except baby poop and retirement poop smell distinctly different.
Tacos and fuck you's.
Sent: Sept 15/09 4:09 pm
Terin: Feck you.
Chase: Only if you pay me in cash or tacos- hard shell.
Terin: Mmm, tacos sound muy delicioso!
Chase: I don't speak Spanish.
Terin: Your loss.
Chase: Fuck you! White power and Amerrrrica and shit.
Terin: Bahaha, that's the epitaph on your tombstone right there.
Chase: Yours: No fee b-jee.
Hair on the bottom, unnaturally.
Sent: Sept 14/09 5:27 pm
Chase: Note to self (and Terin): trim nose hairs.
Terin: Then sprinkle them in a dish?
Chase: I smell a lawsuit with a major yogurt company.
Terin: Dannon: Now with hair on the bottom!
Second pubic hair-related text of the week.
Sent: Sept 11/09 10:06 pm
Jess: I need to shave my cooter. I just tried to pull my tampon out and grabbed a pube as well...um, ouch.
Terin: Nast.
Just, wow.
Sent: Sept 10/09 11:12 pm
Jess: Just saw Alyssa's cooter. She hasn't shaved in a while.
Terin: You two are the biggest dykes now! First, the nipple picture. Now this.
Jess: No, it was an accident. She is wearing workout shorts and she lifted her legs to sit up and I caught a glimpse.
Terin: Then, that just makes you a pervert.
Jess: She wasn't wearing any underwear because she sharted.
Senior executive Snape.
Sent: Sept 14/09 10:29 am
Rachel: I am reading Harry Potter in my car before an interview. I hope there will be questions about witches and wizards.
Hark: A Thorntoner!
Sent: Sept 11/09 3:16 pm
Terin: I just saw a man in Dale Earnhart sweatpants, flip flops, a faded black tank top, and a camo hat.
Rachel: His Lordship, the Duke of Thornton Things!
9.10.2009
Sly employee and the family stoned.
Sent: Sept 10/09
Brother: You should pick me up for lunch so we can smoke for a half hour.
Sister: Do you have your weed?
Brother: Yeah.
Sister: I'll be there in an hour- good?
Brother. Yeah. You have Clear Eyes?
Sister: Nope.
Brother: Gay.
Sister: You're gay.
Brother: I like your face...it's stupid.
Sister: I hate your face. It's stupid.
Brother: You should pick me up for lunch so we can smoke for a half hour.
Sister: Do you have your weed?
Brother: Yeah.
Sister: I'll be there in an hour- good?
Brother. Yeah. You have Clear Eyes?
Sister: Nope.
Brother: Gay.
Sister: You're gay.
Brother: I like your face...it's stupid.
Sister: I hate your face. It's stupid.
9.08.2009
Only in crowded art school elevators.
Sent: Sep 8/09 2:22 pm
Jess: There is a sculpture of a pillow and knives above my head right now in the elevator!!!!! That is not ok TAKE THE STAIRS!!!!!
Give this girl a job!
Sent: Sep 3/09 4:38 pm
Rachel: The end of my cover letter to an employer: "Additionally, this cover letter is stupid and a waste of everyone's time. Please give me the job- I'm told that I am awesome and feel confident that I can live up to that expectation."
Terin: Did you really say that??
Rachel: Yeah. Then I deleted it because I'm not that desperate yet.
Rachel. I fucking HATE cover letters. If I were an employer, I would just make applicants submit their resumes and something to make me laugh. Biggest chuckle gets the job. Any asshole can learn a skill but funny is an asset you can't buy.
Thornton things.
Sent: Sep 3/09 2:31 pm
Terin: Thornton Things: Big Latin Mama in a cotton short and tank set cruising down Washington on a scooter.
Rachel: You know she has a boobie tattoo.
Terin: An angel tattoo, maybe?
Rachel: Or the name "Manuel".
Fetal fuck up.
Sent: Sept 5/09 12:06 pm
Terin: Dude, I finally started my period and a stain in my underwear has never felt so good. I was worried I was pregnant.
Chase: That might have been one of the best texts of my life.
Terin: Oh my god my cramps are awful. I'm def bleeding out a genetic fuck up.
Chase: It was probably retarded.
It always ends in a fingabang.
Sent: Sept 4/09 10:03 pm
Chase: Drankin' at the Rope!
Chase: Just saw Emma!!!!
Terin: Uh, I'm apparating there right now!
Chase: Don't even kid. I wish Harry Potter was real so bad, man.
Terin: Get me a well whiskey rocks- I'll be there in five.
Jenna: So you're gonna be here in 5? Fingabang in 8.
9.02.2009
Jesus who?
Sent: Sept 2/09 1:04 pm
Chase: Dude, I have the shits so bad I brought underwear and shorts on the train and to work in case I shit myself.
Terin: People with Downs Syndrome also have to bring extra underwear to work.
Chase: Mine is from all-you-can-eat tacos and then a huge class of 100% apple juice.
Terin: Jesus.
Chase: Who?
Terin: Harry Potter.
Chase: Oh, okay.
So judgey!
Sent: Sept 1/09 2:05 pm
Rachel: Orange County observation: Fanning out your vagina is evidently frowned upon.
Terin: Haha, did you get a look of scorn?
Rachel: AND a head shake!!
The sounds and songs of the serial killer.
Sent: Aug 31/09 9:23 am
Rachel: There is a radio station in Utah that just plays bird sounds.
Terin: Of course that station is in Utah. That would be maddening!
Rachel: Yeah, I felt like a serial killer listening to it.
Pratt things.
Sent: Aug 31/09 12:13 pm
Sam: I hate that I can't call you to meet in the caf for lunch and sit here for hours making fun of people :(
Terin: You'll just have to hate on Double Popped Collar Kid twice as hard!
Sam: I saw him yesterday and died laughing, Lol.
Terin: I want to see a gaggle of Korean girls dragging their feet in the caf! Or running to class because they're ALWAYS late!
Sam: Haha, I've seen that already too.
8.29.2009
Does-not-compute.
Sent Aug 29/09 at 11:28am
Joy: Chasicles, could you give me the 13 bucks I spotted you at the Korean deli from last week? I'm pooooooooor & need to raaaaaaape Derek.
Chase: Nope.
Joy: No to the money or to the Derek?
Chase: Beep boop bop.
Joy: Argh! You've transformed into a robot!
Chase: Does not compute.
Joy: I'm going to glue your ass to the chair so that you can't leave here until it computes!
Chase: What is "ass"?......disconnecting from transmission....away.
Joy: Chasicles, could you give me the 13 bucks I spotted you at the Korean deli from last week? I'm pooooooooor & need to raaaaaaape Derek.
Chase: Nope.
Joy: No to the money or to the Derek?
Chase: Beep boop bop.
Joy: Argh! You've transformed into a robot!
Chase: Does not compute.
Joy: I'm going to glue your ass to the chair so that you can't leave here until it computes!
Chase: What is "ass"?......disconnecting from transmission....away.
A mother's love.
Sent: Aug 29/09 at 2:32pm
Chase: Make me some steak, bitch!
Terin's mom: Make ur own, SLUT!
Chase: Make me some steak, bitch!
Terin's mom: Make ur own, SLUT!
What?!??!!!
Sent: Aug 28/09 at 10:15pm
Scott: Helloooo
Chase: Hiiiiiiii
Scott: What's up!!
Chase: Nothing, you?
Scott: Meh. Apples to Apples.
Scott: Helloooo
Chase: Hiiiiiiii
Scott: What's up!!
Chase: Nothing, you?
Scott: Meh. Apples to Apples.
8.27.2009
Frankly.
Sent Aug 25/09 at 4:59pm
Homo: Frankly, I think you should get out of Connecticut ASAP.
Chase: Frankly, I'm not driving the bus... anddddd now I am... turn on the news.
Homo: There you are!
Chase: This is so fun! Thank god a bomb wont go off if I drive under 60 mph like in the 1997 critically acclaimed Sandy Bullock film SPEED.
Homo: I wouldn't be so sure if I were you. You know, as long as we're being frank.
Homo: Frankly, I think you should get out of Connecticut ASAP.
Chase: Frankly, I'm not driving the bus... anddddd now I am... turn on the news.
Homo: There you are!
Chase: This is so fun! Thank god a bomb wont go off if I drive under 60 mph like in the 1997 critically acclaimed Sandy Bullock film SPEED.
Homo: I wouldn't be so sure if I were you. You know, as long as we're being frank.
High noon drinking.
Sent: Aug 27/09 at 12:35pm
Allison: I love The Steve Wilko Show. Teaching the scum of the earth how to live, one trailer park at a time.
Chase: What are you doing?
Allison: Watching Steve Wilko and getting drunk!
Chase: Are you serious??? Right now? Who with, Dylan the Dog?
Allison: Yes Dylan! I am bored what else is there to do?
Allison: I love The Steve Wilko Show. Teaching the scum of the earth how to live, one trailer park at a time.
Chase: What are you doing?
Allison: Watching Steve Wilko and getting drunk!
Chase: Are you serious??? Right now? Who with, Dylan the Dog?
Allison: Yes Dylan! I am bored what else is there to do?
Best friends are always 100% brutally honest.
Sent: Aug 24/09 at 11:25pm
Kasey: Send me the video of Ally from Saturday night.
Chase: K, sent one.
Kasey: She is such a lush.
Kasey: Send me the video of Ally from Saturday night.
Chase: K, sent one.
Kasey: She is such a lush.
Lame.
Sent: Aug 25/09 at 11:41 pm
Steven: I think there's a sheewolf in ur closet.
Chase: Ahhhh ooooooo.
Steven: I think there's a sheewolf in ur closet.
Chase: Ahhhh ooooooo.
TAMPONS
Sent Aug 24/09 at 4:01pm
Chad: What are you doing?
Chase: Helping Allison clean and pack... she's moving to her school apt.
Chad: Open a dresser drawer and say in a Mr. Garrison voice, "LOOK AT ALL THESE TAMPONS!"
Chase: I just choked on my spit.
Chad: What are you doing?
Chase: Helping Allison clean and pack... she's moving to her school apt.
Chad: Open a dresser drawer and say in a Mr. Garrison voice, "LOOK AT ALL THESE TAMPONS!"
Chase: I just choked on my spit.
Thursday lunch date.
Sent: Aug. 25/09 11:52 am
Rachel: Thursday?
Terin: Thursday it is!
Rachel: Muy delicioso.
Terin: Mmm, maybe we should eat Las Delicias.
Rachel: Bring on the runs.
Terin: I don't care what comes out of my butt if it's good in my mouth.
Rachel: There are so many things to say to that- I don't even know where to start.
Rachel: Thursday?
Terin: Thursday it is!
Rachel: Muy delicioso.
Terin: Mmm, maybe we should eat Las Delicias.
Rachel: Bring on the runs.
Terin: I don't care what comes out of my butt if it's good in my mouth.
Rachel: There are so many things to say to that- I don't even know where to start.
I could be crocheting a blanket.
Sent: Aug 24/09 9:10 pm
Terin: Ugh, I never know what do do after work besides eat, get high, or masturbate.
Rachel: What else is there?!
Terin: Ugh, I never know what do do after work besides eat, get high, or masturbate.
Rachel: What else is there?!
Well mannered.
Sent: Aug. 22/09 7:46 pm
Chase: You are a dirty cunt.
Terin: You are a grimey asshole.
Chase: Thank you!
Terin: You are welcome!
Chase: You are a dirty cunt.
Terin: You are a grimey asshole.
Chase: Thank you!
Terin: You are welcome!
Frat bros are dumb.
Sent: Aug. 22/09 3:45 pm
Skank 1: We're pirates of the 21st Century. Piss us off and we'll steal your weed.
Skank 2: Yeah, that, or we're bitchy skanks.
Skank 1: We're pirates of the 21st Century. Piss us off and we'll steal your weed.
Skank 2: Yeah, that, or we're bitchy skanks.
8.24.2009
Sleeping in opposite bedrooms.
Sent Aug 24/09 at 1:59am
Chase: Ohhhh Shittt... Sherlina?
Sam: Don't talk shit about total!
Chase: Who wrinkled my Randy Travis poster?:
Sam: ...pissed on the toilet seat and stole my keys!!!!
Chase: He was a pissed off long legged Puerto Rican.
Sam: That's what happens with Alex Trebek has a picture of a giraffe in his ass during an earthquake.
Chase: You'd kill yourself too if your last name was Colmbbbbbbs.
Chase: Ohhhh Shittt... Sherlina?
Sam: Don't talk shit about total!
Chase: Who wrinkled my Randy Travis poster?:
Sam: ...pissed on the toilet seat and stole my keys!!!!
Chase: He was a pissed off long legged Puerto Rican.
Sam: That's what happens with Alex Trebek has a picture of a giraffe in his ass during an earthquake.
Chase: You'd kill yourself too if your last name was Colmbbbbbbs.
Safety first.
Sent Aug 23/09 at 7:18pm
Youth 1: I just smoked with a 45 year old mother who told me her child was right outside being pushed on the swing.
Youth 2: Meh... kids don't need supervision.
Youth 1: Never.
Youth 2: ...only with matches.
Youth 1: I just smoked with a 45 year old mother who told me her child was right outside being pushed on the swing.
Youth 2: Meh... kids don't need supervision.
Youth 1: Never.
Youth 2: ...only with matches.
It's not ALWAYS about sex...
Sent: Aug 23/09 at 3:00 pm
Terin: Miss you, boo.
Chase: Tell me something seshual.
Terin: I want your ballz in my mouth.
Chase: So hot.
Chase: Rub your beave on my thighs.
Terin: Finger my b-hole.
Terin: Miss you, boo.
Chase: Tell me something seshual.
Terin: I want your ballz in my mouth.
Chase: So hot.
Chase: Rub your beave on my thighs.
Terin: Finger my b-hole.
Faggy pigs in a blanket.
Sent: Aug 22/09 at 11:07pm
Scott: "White Chicks"! Jealous?
Chase: Um, I'm wasted, jealous?
Scott: I'm more wasted PLUS "White Chicks". I win.
Chase: No way! I may not have "White Chicks", but I have MINI PIGS IN A BLANKET!
Scott: Damn you.
Scott: "White Chicks"! Jealous?
Chase: Um, I'm wasted, jealous?
Scott: I'm more wasted PLUS "White Chicks". I win.
Chase: No way! I may not have "White Chicks", but I have MINI PIGS IN A BLANKET!
Scott: Damn you.
Always a lady.
Sent: Aug 21/09 at 8:26pm
Chase: I'm two hours from Boston. I hope ya shaved ya legs.
Sam's Mom: They're smoother than a baby's bottom.
Chase: I'm two hours from Boston. I hope ya shaved ya legs.
Sam's Mom: They're smoother than a baby's bottom.
8.21.2009
Are there any liquids or perishables in your package?
Sent Aug 20/09 at 8:23pm
Terin: Sean McGurn wrote a winky face on my facebook wall ;)
Chase: Mail him your pubic hair.
Terin: Fuck. Best response.
Terin: Sean McGurn wrote a winky face on my facebook wall ;)
Chase: Mail him your pubic hair.
Terin: Fuck. Best response.
English brofahs.
Sent Aug 21/09 at 8:11am
Chase: Mornin' govna, are you still gunna take me to the train? Or should I drive me self and you can drop dad off later?
Chad: Top o' the mornin to ye. I'll be home in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
Chase: Pip pip.
Chad: Spit spot.
Chase: Paddy waggle and fiddly dinks.
Chad: Tra la la.
Chase: Biscuits and vagabonds.
Chase: Mornin' govna, are you still gunna take me to the train? Or should I drive me self and you can drop dad off later?
Chad: Top o' the mornin to ye. I'll be home in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
Chase: Pip pip.
Chad: Spit spot.
Chase: Paddy waggle and fiddly dinks.
Chad: Tra la la.
Chase: Biscuits and vagabonds.
8.20.2009
Beer me that computer!
Sent Aug 19/09 at 7pm
Brenda: I live such a sheltered life here [in Kansas]!
Chase: It's not that sheltered. You have Google! The world is at your fingertips!
Brenda: Well right now I'd like a stiff drink at my fingertips!
Chase: Someone needs a Silver Bullet!
Brenda: I live such a sheltered life here [in Kansas]!
Chase: It's not that sheltered. You have Google! The world is at your fingertips!
Brenda: Well right now I'd like a stiff drink at my fingertips!
Chase: Someone needs a Silver Bullet!
8.18.2009
Wise one.
Sent: Aug 18/09 10:49 am
Rachel: In Japan, if a woman is already pregnant when she walks down the aisle, they call it a "double happiness wedding."
Terin: Haha, that sounds much more positive than a "shotgun wedding".
Rachel: I imagine that the Japanese are, not surprisingly, wary of any type of weaponry.
Rachel: In Japan, if a woman is already pregnant when she walks down the aisle, they call it a "double happiness wedding."
Terin: Haha, that sounds much more positive than a "shotgun wedding".
Rachel: I imagine that the Japanese are, not surprisingly, wary of any type of weaponry.
8.17.2009
Hot sluts smoking weeds.
Sent: Aug. 14/9 3:30pm
Jess: Oh, you had a virus on your computer?
Jess: Too much porn watching. eh?
Alyssa: THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE IS SAYING!!! I swear, I was just trying to watch "Weeds".
Jess: "Hot Sluts Smoking Weeds?"
Jess: While inserting dildos in eachothers bums?
Jess:' Til they squirt.
Alyssa: Well, inserting bongs in each others vaginas.
Jess: I feel wrong typing this all out to you while on a road trip with my grandparents.
Alyssa: Imagine them doing all that stuff.
Jess: "Dick, I told you to use the small bong, not the bubbler!!!!!"
Jess: Oh, you had a virus on your computer?
Jess: Too much porn watching. eh?
Alyssa: THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE IS SAYING!!! I swear, I was just trying to watch "Weeds".
Jess: "Hot Sluts Smoking Weeds?"
Jess: While inserting dildos in eachothers bums?
Jess:' Til they squirt.
Alyssa: Well, inserting bongs in each others vaginas.
Jess: I feel wrong typing this all out to you while on a road trip with my grandparents.
Alyssa: Imagine them doing all that stuff.
Jess: "Dick, I told you to use the small bong, not the bubbler!!!!!"
Wait, why do I miss them?
Sent: Aug. 17/09 11:00 am
Terin: Aw, I'm listening to Jimmy Eat World on the radio without you and Jake. :(
Chase: So, basically what you're saying is no one is making fun of you and it doesn't smell like feet and asshole?
Terin: Exactly. Yes.
Terin: Aw, I'm listening to Jimmy Eat World on the radio without you and Jake. :(
Chase: So, basically what you're saying is no one is making fun of you and it doesn't smell like feet and asshole?
Terin: Exactly. Yes.
The thing is, this makes total sense.
Sent: Aug. 17/09 7:51 pm
Chase: You sure are purty.
Terin: What? Where did that come from? Thank you?
Chase: Lol, I thought you said something that warranted that response but it was Jon. I mixed up the texts, Lol, wrecked.
Terin: Stooooopid.
Chase: I hate you.
Terin: I hate you more.
Chase: Lol Tampa = Tampa
Chase: Lol I did it again.
Chase: Tampa = tamps.
Terin: What? Stop mixing up texts, asshole!
Chase: You smell like feet and day old used Tampax.
Terin: Rachel says I smell like weed and Chanel.
Chase: You smell like booze and beard kisses.
Terin: Haha, beard kisses? That sounds like a gross uncle thing.
Chase: Come sit on my lap, little Terin.
Terin: Ew, get away from me!
Chase: What kinda panties do ya got on??? Little sunshine and rainbows???
Terin: Butterflies and lace.
Chase: Lies and deceit.
Terin Up yours!
Chase: Shitmouth.
Terin: Shit on my titz.
Chase: Shit on my oatmeal.
Terin: Raisins.
Chase: Black.
Terin: The Dark One.
Chase: Asshole mole.
Terin: Enrique Iglesias.
Chase: Pure sex.
Terin: Sweat.
Chase: Taint.
Terin: Linty genitals.
Chase: Asian straight pubic hair.
Terin: Flat top.
Chase: Jenna Malloy.
Terin: You gonna eat that?
Chase: Crinkle fries.
Terin: Mmm...hot sauce.
Chase: Qwerty.
Terin: Qweefy!
Terin: Con queso.
Chase: Giggity giggity.
Terin: Letchy letch.
Chase: You sure are purty.
Terin: What? Where did that come from? Thank you?
Chase: Lol, I thought you said something that warranted that response but it was Jon. I mixed up the texts, Lol, wrecked.
Terin: Stooooopid.
Chase: I hate you.
Terin: I hate you more.
Chase: Lol Tampa = Tampa
Chase: Lol I did it again.
Chase: Tampa = tamps.
Terin: What? Stop mixing up texts, asshole!
Chase: You smell like feet and day old used Tampax.
Terin: Rachel says I smell like weed and Chanel.
Chase: You smell like booze and beard kisses.
Terin: Haha, beard kisses? That sounds like a gross uncle thing.
Chase: Come sit on my lap, little Terin.
Terin: Ew, get away from me!
Chase: What kinda panties do ya got on??? Little sunshine and rainbows???
Terin: Butterflies and lace.
Chase: Lies and deceit.
Terin Up yours!
Chase: Shitmouth.
Terin: Shit on my titz.
Chase: Shit on my oatmeal.
Terin: Raisins.
Chase: Black.
Terin: The Dark One.
Chase: Asshole mole.
Terin: Enrique Iglesias.
Chase: Pure sex.
Terin: Sweat.
Chase: Taint.
Terin: Linty genitals.
Chase: Asian straight pubic hair.
Terin: Flat top.
Chase: Jenna Malloy.
Terin: You gonna eat that?
Chase: Crinkle fries.
Terin: Mmm...hot sauce.
Chase: Qwerty.
Terin: Qweefy!
Terin: Con queso.
Chase: Giggity giggity.
Terin: Letchy letch.
8.15.2009
He's actually my best friend. Part 2.
Sent: Aug 15/09 at 2:20pm
Chase: I don't know what to eat for lunch. There is so much stuff in the city.
Pat: Eat shit.
Chase: We already have one shit eater (you). We don't need another.
Pat: Weak.
Chase: Like your sex drive.
Pat: Yeah, I can never really seem to stay erect.
Chase: The first step is admitting you have a problem.
Pat: At least I'm not going to burn in hell for my impure lifestyle.
Chase: Your plan is foiled! There is no hell!
Chase: I don't know what to eat for lunch. There is so much stuff in the city.
Pat: Eat shit.
Chase: We already have one shit eater (you). We don't need another.
Pat: Weak.
Chase: Like your sex drive.
Pat: Yeah, I can never really seem to stay erect.
Chase: The first step is admitting you have a problem.
Pat: At least I'm not going to burn in hell for my impure lifestyle.
Chase: Your plan is foiled! There is no hell!
He's actually my best friend.
Sent: Aug 15/09 2:00 pm
Chase: Did you get in touch with her?
Pat: No, I'm out with my mom.
Chase: I don't give a fuck who you're with. Get in touch with her. SOS '09
Pat: I'll do it alone you greedy fuck. SOS '09
Chase: You're used to doing things alone. Sleeping, sex, living your life... SOS '09
Pat: Ouch.
Chase: Did you get in touch with her?
Pat: No, I'm out with my mom.
Chase: I don't give a fuck who you're with. Get in touch with her. SOS '09
Pat: I'll do it alone you greedy fuck. SOS '09
Chase: You're used to doing things alone. Sleeping, sex, living your life... SOS '09
Pat: Ouch.
8.13.2009
Amphibious assholes.
Sent: Aug 13/09 10:56 am
Rachel: There is a little boy at the airport who keeps pronouncing "escalators" as asshole-gators.
Rachel: There is a little boy at the airport who keeps pronouncing "escalators" as asshole-gators.
Rude and lewd.
Sent: Aug. 13/09 11:30 am
Terin: Any word from that job you had to shout out to?
Chase: They never got back to me. She said that she would email me.
Terin: Hmm...well, my fingers are crossed!
Chase: Cross your legs instead. I don't wanna smell that mess.
Terin: Any word from that job you had to shout out to?
Chase: They never got back to me. She said that she would email me.
Terin: Hmm...well, my fingers are crossed!
Chase: Cross your legs instead. I don't wanna smell that mess.
8.11.2009
Bed hogging liar.
Sent August 11/09 @ 3:00pm
Jon: Oh, I'm tireddd.
Chase: Dude, you slept in the middle of the bed alllll night. But I don't care as long as you don't mind my arms and legs all over you.
Jon: Ugh. I couldn't see the TV.
Chase: ... the TV had been off for 6 hours.
I can't drive 55.
Sent: Aug. 10/09 12:37 pm
Chase: Jon is on his way over here from work and he got pulled over doing 81 in a 55 zone. Someone was rushing somewhere to get some sex.
Chase: Jon is on his way over here from work and he got pulled over doing 81 in a 55 zone. Someone was rushing somewhere to get some sex.
Bleach and blowjobs.
Sent: Aug. 11/09 12:25 pm
Terin: So, I volunteered to do a janitorial shift today for extra money and I'm considering doing it all the time. You get paid more!
Chase: What does it entail doing? It can't be that bad.
Terin: Regular cleaning and the occasional vomit/abandoned shitty underwear.
Chase: I think you're the woman for the job!
Terin: Except dropping out of art school and becoming a janitor doesn't sound at all impressive.
Chase: Better than being a hooker for hire, though that is more in your nature.
Terin: Hooking wouldn't be bad if there was a screening process.
Chase: Hipsters aren't looking. Only hairy fat men.
Terin: Haha, I know. Or sex addicts.
Chase: Nothing wrong with an addict. It's everyone else's fault!
Terin: So, I volunteered to do a janitorial shift today for extra money and I'm considering doing it all the time. You get paid more!
Chase: What does it entail doing? It can't be that bad.
Terin: Regular cleaning and the occasional vomit/abandoned shitty underwear.
Chase: I think you're the woman for the job!
Terin: Except dropping out of art school and becoming a janitor doesn't sound at all impressive.
Chase: Better than being a hooker for hire, though that is more in your nature.
Terin: Hooking wouldn't be bad if there was a screening process.
Chase: Hipsters aren't looking. Only hairy fat men.
Terin: Haha, I know. Or sex addicts.
Chase: Nothing wrong with an addict. It's everyone else's fault!
8.05.2009
Jess the hostess.
Sent: Aug. 2/09 10:59 am
Jess: Ingrid and I are picking up Alyssa at the airport tomorrow. Any ideas for a sign to make?
Terin: It should say "Seoul Yoon Park".
Jess: I made one already, you took too long. It says, "Welcome back from rehab."
Jess: Ingrid and I are picking up Alyssa at the airport tomorrow. Any ideas for a sign to make?
Terin: It should say "Seoul Yoon Park".
Jess: I made one already, you took too long. It says, "Welcome back from rehab."
8.02.2009
It happens to the best of us.
Sent: Aug 1/09 5:05 pm
Sam: I made a terrible mistake.
Terin: A terrible mistake?
Sam: Manscaping.
Terin: Did you nick your junk or what? It always adds like an optical inch!
Sam: No cuts, just way too much hair is gone. I got into it and did my backside too.
Terin: Hahaha do you have chest/leg hair and no pubic/ass hair? I'm imagining a strangely bald middle.
Sam: LOL, yes it's terrible. I have like a little triangle above my dong it sucks.
Terin: Gawd haha, you're just going to have to grow that shit out.
Sam: It's going to hurt so badly when all of the hair grows back and gets prickly. Especially around my exit hole. I just get way too into it sometimes.
Sam: I made a terrible mistake.
Terin: A terrible mistake?
Sam: Manscaping.
Terin: Did you nick your junk or what? It always adds like an optical inch!
Sam: No cuts, just way too much hair is gone. I got into it and did my backside too.
Terin: Hahaha do you have chest/leg hair and no pubic/ass hair? I'm imagining a strangely bald middle.
Sam: LOL, yes it's terrible. I have like a little triangle above my dong it sucks.
Terin: Gawd haha, you're just going to have to grow that shit out.
Sam: It's going to hurt so badly when all of the hair grows back and gets prickly. Especially around my exit hole. I just get way too into it sometimes.
Reno.
Aug 1/09 1:10 pm
Rachel: Fuck! I have never seen so much leather in all of my life.
Rachel: And walking into that Harley store made me want a cheeseburger something terrible.
Rachel: Fuck! I have never seen so much leather in all of my life.
Rachel: And walking into that Harley store made me want a cheeseburger something terrible.
7.30.2009
The Rodinator.
Sent: July 30/09 8:35 pm
Jeri: I am sooo not high enough for The Rodinator. They have an animated video and his "sexual power of live performance" was quoted.
Terin: Rod Stewart is a beast. Don't deny the feathered hair.
Jeri: Or the silky baby blue suit! It reminds me of Brian Setzer. Oh shit, and I just noticed his baller gold shoes!
Terin: Is that really what he's wearing? Jesus. Rod Stewart and Snoop would probably swap wardrobes.
Jeri: Aw, you missed the pelvic thrusts during "First Cut is the Deepest". Shit!
Terin: That is a tender song! Why would there need to be thrusting at all?
Jeri: They were slow pelvic thrusts, though. Tender lovin'.
Terin: Rod Stewart fucks gently, mostly so he doesn't mess up his hair.
Jeri: Or pull his groin.
Jeri: I am sooo not high enough for The Rodinator. They have an animated video and his "sexual power of live performance" was quoted.
Terin: Rod Stewart is a beast. Don't deny the feathered hair.
Jeri: Or the silky baby blue suit! It reminds me of Brian Setzer. Oh shit, and I just noticed his baller gold shoes!
Terin: Is that really what he's wearing? Jesus. Rod Stewart and Snoop would probably swap wardrobes.
Jeri: Aw, you missed the pelvic thrusts during "First Cut is the Deepest". Shit!
Terin: That is a tender song! Why would there need to be thrusting at all?
Jeri: They were slow pelvic thrusts, though. Tender lovin'.
Terin: Rod Stewart fucks gently, mostly so he doesn't mess up his hair.
Jeri: Or pull his groin.
Sportsman's Warehouse is fragrant, to say the least.
Sent: July 29/09 6:55 pm
Terin: Ugh, the rednecks smell so gross when it rains.
Chase: Like ass sweat and menthols. UGH.
Terin: And dirty clothes and dogs.
Chase: And balls.
Terin: Ugh, the rednecks smell so gross when it rains.
Chase: Like ass sweat and menthols. UGH.
Terin: And dirty clothes and dogs.
Chase: And balls.
Clean up your act.
Sent: July 29/09 1:18 pm
Terin: I just went on a cleaning spree. I feel like I can get my life together now.
Chase: It's just a lie! You'll nap and masturbate and be at square one again.
Terin: True. I'll probably get high too.
Chase: There's no hope in dope.
Terin: What are you now?? A strong Lutheran woman?
Chase: No, and avid fan of "Saved by the Bell"!
Terin: I just went on a cleaning spree. I feel like I can get my life together now.
Chase: It's just a lie! You'll nap and masturbate and be at square one again.
Terin: True. I'll probably get high too.
Chase: There's no hope in dope.
Terin: What are you now?? A strong Lutheran woman?
Chase: No, and avid fan of "Saved by the Bell"!
7.28.2009
Thinking of you.
Sent: July 28/09 1:59 pm
Terin: I miss you so so much.
Chase: Are you going to cry?
Terin: Almost. I got a little emotional.
Chase: Finger ur hole and think of me hurling insults at you! (I miss you too.)
Terin: LEWD.
Terin: I miss you so so much.
Chase: Are you going to cry?
Terin: Almost. I got a little emotional.
Chase: Finger ur hole and think of me hurling insults at you! (I miss you too.)
Terin: LEWD.
Next, on Lifetime.
Sent: July 28/09 1:42 pm
Chase: A Porsche SUV just pulled out of the trailer park...thoughts?
Terin: Trashy people always have nice cars and mortgaged homes. Your thoughts?
Chase: A daughter who married rich, going back to visit the father who molested her.
Chase: A Porsche SUV just pulled out of the trailer park...thoughts?
Terin: Trashy people always have nice cars and mortgaged homes. Your thoughts?
Chase: A daughter who married rich, going back to visit the father who molested her.
A motorized scooter wouldn't be authentic.
Sent: July 25/09 3:28 pm
Rachel: Wheelchair count at the Renaissance Fair: 4.
Rachel: Wheelchair count at the Renaissance Fair: 4.
Fucking Amish-entals.
Sent: July 26/09 6:59 pm
Chase: Fucking drivers from Pennsylvania have been the bane of my existence for a week.
Terin: Are the Amish as bad as the Orientals?
Chase: PA drivers have no idea what the fuck is going on. Worse than those damn Orientals...(That's racist, right?)
Terin: Anyone who says "orientals" is an ignorant piece of shit, so yes.
Chase: Haha, I know! Someone said it at work the other day. I almost spit out my water.
Terin: Your co-workers must still be mad about that Korean "conflict" thing.
Chase: Yeah, that thing...
Chase: Fucking drivers from Pennsylvania have been the bane of my existence for a week.
Terin: Are the Amish as bad as the Orientals?
Chase: PA drivers have no idea what the fuck is going on. Worse than those damn Orientals...(That's racist, right?)
Terin: Anyone who says "orientals" is an ignorant piece of shit, so yes.
Chase: Haha, I know! Someone said it at work the other day. I almost spit out my water.
Terin: Your co-workers must still be mad about that Korean "conflict" thing.
Chase: Yeah, that thing...
We never said this blog was politically correct.
Sent: July 26/09 12:10 pm
Terin: I just sold a retarded person handgun ammo and it made me uncomfortable.
Chase: I wonder if he's going to kill his teacher's aide? Maybe he doesn't want her help anymore.
Terin: "The fuck you jus say, bish?" Dead.
Chase: Dunzo.
Terin: I just sold a retarded person handgun ammo and it made me uncomfortable.
Chase: I wonder if he's going to kill his teacher's aide? Maybe he doesn't want her help anymore.
Terin: "The fuck you jus say, bish?" Dead.
Chase: Dunzo.
7.25.2009
Boulder salami slut.
Sent: July 24/09 5:08 pm
Terin: Oh shit, I just saw the weird man I fooled around with in the Pearl Street deli. I made a scene and twirled and ran away.
Chase: God, I hope you tipped something over or ran into a glass door!
Terin: Yeah, I almost took out an old lady and three dudes in Ray Bans.
Terin: Oh shit, I just saw the weird man I fooled around with in the Pearl Street deli. I made a scene and twirled and ran away.
Chase: God, I hope you tipped something over or ran into a glass door!
Terin: Yeah, I almost took out an old lady and three dudes in Ray Bans.
Hot minute.
Sent: July 22/09 3:01 pm
Chase: Just so I could get a grip on today, I sat in the the stall, pissed like a woman, and scratched my balls for five minutes.
Chase: Just so I could get a grip on today, I sat in the the stall, pissed like a woman, and scratched my balls for five minutes.
Thornton Things 3.
Sent: July 24/09 3:09 pm
Terin: You just missed a fat Mexican in white tennis shoes, white socks, denim shorts, a black muscle shirt and a killer flattop darting across the street!
Terin: You just missed a fat Mexican in white tennis shoes, white socks, denim shorts, a black muscle shirt and a killer flattop darting across the street!
Anti-perspirant and anti-indecisive.
Sent: July 24/09 1:53 pm
Terin: God, these old ladies have been blocking up the deodorant aisle for like five minutes!
Rachel: Terin, one's deodorant choice can make or break them.
Terin: Especially in the midst of summer. I guess I always use my tried and true Dove, so I don't dick around in the aisle.
Rachel: I wish there was deodorant for the thighs!
Terin: Me too! Thigh sweat just dripped down to my ankle in traffic. Gross.
Rachel: That's why yous gonna be the mother of my chillins.
Terin: Gawd, I love black Rachel!
Rachel: Tyra ain't got shit on me.
Terin: God, these old ladies have been blocking up the deodorant aisle for like five minutes!
Rachel: Terin, one's deodorant choice can make or break them.
Terin: Especially in the midst of summer. I guess I always use my tried and true Dove, so I don't dick around in the aisle.
Rachel: I wish there was deodorant for the thighs!
Terin: Me too! Thigh sweat just dripped down to my ankle in traffic. Gross.
Rachel: That's why yous gonna be the mother of my chillins.
Terin: Gawd, I love black Rachel!
Rachel: Tyra ain't got shit on me.
Can I borrow a quarter for the payphone?
Sent: July 22/09 5:22 pm
Chase: Are you just unreachable by telephone today?? What is this? 1991??
Terin: You can reach me on my beeper.
Chase: 551-427-****
Chase: Are you just unreachable by telephone today?? What is this? 1991??
Terin: You can reach me on my beeper.
Chase: 551-427-****
We'll be @tacobelltruck.
Chris: CHASE, THIS IS IMPORTANT. Taco Bell's truck is interested in coming to Pratt, but they need Tweets. They will give out free tacos and burritos and it will be the awesomest thing EVER.
Chase: OMFG.
Chris: We should keep the momentum going.
Chase: What do I need to do?
Chris: Write @tacobelltruck a tweet featuring @prattinstitute telling them to come. Also, if you know any upperclassmen on twitter, spread the word.
Chase: Done.
Chase: OMFG.
Chris: We should keep the momentum going.
Chase: What do I need to do?
Chris: Write @tacobelltruck a tweet featuring @prattinstitute telling them to come. Also, if you know any upperclassmen on twitter, spread the word.
Chase: Done.
7.21.2009
The microwave: making questionable food soft, warm, and acceptable.
Sent: July 21/09 7:19 pm
Rachel: Just had a conversation with my dad about microwaving Cheetos to eliminate staleness. He swears it works.
Terin: Bruce needs to write a book on home living.
Rachel: "Resourceful Stoner's Handbook".
Rachel: He evidently learned this trick in college. I told him that everything tastes good when you're high but that doesn't make it a good idea.
Rachel: Just had a conversation with my dad about microwaving Cheetos to eliminate staleness. He swears it works.
Terin: Bruce needs to write a book on home living.
Rachel: "Resourceful Stoner's Handbook".
Rachel: He evidently learned this trick in college. I told him that everything tastes good when you're high but that doesn't make it a good idea.
Clitoral laceration.
Sent: July 21/09 6:52 pm
Jess: Sooo last night I was masturbating and my fingernail cut my clit. I feel like I hooked up with Edward Scissorhands.
Jess: Sooo last night I was masturbating and my fingernail cut my clit. I feel like I hooked up with Edward Scissorhands.
Cum dump truck.
Sent: July 21/09 5:41 pm
Jess: Bitch.
Terin: Cum dumpster.
Jess: Wow. Now, slut it has been months since I have gargled cum so the chances of me dumping any cum are slim. How would I dump cum? Have some guy cum in my vag or ass then push it out in a landfill?
Terin: Your ass and vag are the dumpster. Duh.
Jess: Oh yeah, I guess that makes sense.
Jess: I was thinking of a dump truck...I'm an idiot.
Terin: Uh, I didn't say cum dump truck.
Jess: I know, I know, I'm an idiot.
Terin: An idiot and a cum dumpster. Bitch.
Jess: Bitch.
Terin: Cum dumpster.
Jess: Wow. Now, slut it has been months since I have gargled cum so the chances of me dumping any cum are slim. How would I dump cum? Have some guy cum in my vag or ass then push it out in a landfill?
Terin: Your ass and vag are the dumpster. Duh.
Jess: Oh yeah, I guess that makes sense.
Jess: I was thinking of a dump truck...I'm an idiot.
Terin: Uh, I didn't say cum dump truck.
Jess: I know, I know, I'm an idiot.
Terin: An idiot and a cum dumpster. Bitch.
Rugratz porn.
Jon: Lol, b-sex! And don't say nakie! It makes me think of Tommy and Chucky from Rugrats snuggling naked!
Chase: That's why I said it. And yeah, b-sex! Butt sex sounds nasty, mostly because it is.
Chase: That's why I said it. And yeah, b-sex! Butt sex sounds nasty, mostly because it is.
It better be worth the wait!
Pat: I wish I could have made it... I had 10 sangrias and then smoked a bowl. SEE YA'ED.
Chase: Did you at least bang out this chick?!
Pat: We'll talk later haha.
Chase: Did you at least bang out this chick?!
Pat: We'll talk later haha.
Good Catholics smuggle booze in everywhere.
Chase: At the beach! We smuggled 32oz rum and cokes in!
Step-Mom: You are such a dawg! I'm in charge of the week-long day camp at church. Just Coke here for me!
Chase: Please, you know those Catholic moms spike their Cokes! You should too! Matt told me to step on glass.
Step-Mom: Matt Hill is an asshole!
Step-Mom: You are such a dawg! I'm in charge of the week-long day camp at church. Just Coke here for me!
Chase: Please, you know those Catholic moms spike their Cokes! You should too! Matt told me to step on glass.
Step-Mom: Matt Hill is an asshole!
Cousins.
Chase: I'm going to the beach and youuuuu are not! SUCK ON THAT!
Matt: Fuck you... I hope you step on glass.
Matt: Fuck you... I hope you step on glass.
7.19.2009
Suddenly it was wet.
Sent: July 18/09 6:30 pm
Terin: God, children are so irritating today!
Chase: Did one finally fall out of your twat?
Terin: God, children are so irritating today!
Chase: Did one finally fall out of your twat?
7.17.2009
That's why we're going.
Sent: July 16/09 7:45 pm
Terin: Guess who is going to Car Henge and the KoolAid Museum on Wednesday!
Jake: Car Henge? Wow, leave it to America to make something so incredibly ridiculous.
Terin: Guess who is going to Car Henge and the KoolAid Museum on Wednesday!
Jake: Car Henge? Wow, leave it to America to make something so incredibly ridiculous.
7.15.2009
Ground beef briefly.
Sent: July 14/09 11:39 pm
Chase: Someone ditched a soft taco in this Harry Potter line. Was it me? In the future?
Terin: You'd never just ditch a taco. It would have to be a tragic accident.
Chase: Ugh, I know, right? I probably cried a single tear.
Terin: Or punched someone.
Chase: A child.
Chase: Someone ditched a soft taco in this Harry Potter line. Was it me? In the future?
Terin: You'd never just ditch a taco. It would have to be a tragic accident.
Chase: Ugh, I know, right? I probably cried a single tear.
Terin: Or punched someone.
Chase: A child.
7.14.2009
Thornton things 2.
Sent: July 14/09 9:41 am
Rachel: Get ready for this gem: Older man, at least early 60's, no shirt, white short-shorts, with matching high tops and cotton socks AND nipple rings.
Terin: That man need to be in a movie. FUCK.
Rachel: Right? I almost ran right into a bush when I passed him.
Rachel: Get ready for this gem: Older man, at least early 60's, no shirt, white short-shorts, with matching high tops and cotton socks AND nipple rings.
Terin: That man need to be in a movie. FUCK.
Rachel: Right? I almost ran right into a bush when I passed him.
You're cordially invited.
Sent: July 13/09 7:28 pm
Rachel: I think the first dance @ our wedding should be The Golden Girls Theme song, "Thank You for Being a Friend."
Terin: I just envisioned Bea Arthur dancing at our wedding in a pant suit.
Rachel: I think the first dance @ our wedding should be The Golden Girls Theme song, "Thank You for Being a Friend."
Terin: I just envisioned Bea Arthur dancing at our wedding in a pant suit.
Thornton things.
Sent: July 12/09 1:57 pm
Terin: I've seen three rednecks in neck braces at work today! Musta been a rough weekend.
Rachel: I just saw a man with an orange scrunchie in his hair paired with a wolf shirt. The rednecks are in full force!
Terin: I've seen three rednecks in neck braces at work today! Musta been a rough weekend.
Rachel: I just saw a man with an orange scrunchie in his hair paired with a wolf shirt. The rednecks are in full force!
7.10.2009
Swine flue, schmein flu.
Sent: July 10/09 7:55 pm
Jess: Is it wrong I had my brother get me new batteries for my vibrator?
Terin: Who masturbates when they have Swine Flu, whore?!
Jess: Who said I was masturbating...they are for later.
Terin: Bitch, please!
Jess: Is it wrong I had my brother get me new batteries for my vibrator?
Terin: Who masturbates when they have Swine Flu, whore?!
Jess: Who said I was masturbating...they are for later.
Terin: Bitch, please!
Limousines and ammunition.
Sent: July 10/09 3:55 pm
Terin: A white 1980's limo pulled up to the hunting store and I was so excited to see what classy motherfucker was going to step out of it! And then the limo decided to leave. It was the biggest disappointment of my life.
Rachel: I bet it was Alan Jackson and he decided to make a trip to Home Depot first instead.
Terin: Haha, I was hoping for Burt Reynolds in a muscle shirt!
Terin: A white 1980's limo pulled up to the hunting store and I was so excited to see what classy motherfucker was going to step out of it! And then the limo decided to leave. It was the biggest disappointment of my life.
Rachel: I bet it was Alan Jackson and he decided to make a trip to Home Depot first instead.
Terin: Haha, I was hoping for Burt Reynolds in a muscle shirt!
Midtown circle jerk.
Sent: July 10/09 6:04 pm
Chase: Welp. I just witnessed two men jerking off at the urinal. And another walking around with a boner in the Penn Station bathroom.
Chase: Welp. I just witnessed two men jerking off at the urinal. And another walking around with a boner in the Penn Station bathroom.
Second bacon related topic of the day.
Sent: July 10/09 2:23 pm
Terin: Jess apparently has Swine Flu, hahaha.
Rachel: What?! Who actually gets swine flu?
Terin: I know, right? I blame it on her Canadian heritage.
Rachel: Yeah, what, with their own bacon and all. They're asking for it. Pompous asses!
Terin: You would think Americans would have their own bacon.
Rachel: That is an enterprise I'm surprised someone hasn't jumped on: American Bacon (better than that Frenchy-Canuck stuff).
Terin: Freedom Bacon.
Rachel: Liberty Bacon: Now with more meat.
Terin: Jess apparently has Swine Flu, hahaha.
Rachel: What?! Who actually gets swine flu?
Terin: I know, right? I blame it on her Canadian heritage.
Rachel: Yeah, what, with their own bacon and all. They're asking for it. Pompous asses!
Terin: You would think Americans would have their own bacon.
Rachel: That is an enterprise I'm surprised someone hasn't jumped on: American Bacon (better than that Frenchy-Canuck stuff).
Terin: Freedom Bacon.
Rachel: Liberty Bacon: Now with more meat.
Cheddah.
Sent: July 10/09 11:19 am
Terin: I'm listening to two of my coworkers talk about mashed potatoes and casseroles.
Rachel: Delicious! Although, I can't imagine there being too much to discuss. Both are better with cheese and bacon, end of discussion.
Terin: Haha, oh man, they were talking about sour cream and cheddar potatoes specifically!
Terin: I'm listening to two of my coworkers talk about mashed potatoes and casseroles.
Rachel: Delicious! Although, I can't imagine there being too much to discuss. Both are better with cheese and bacon, end of discussion.
Terin: Haha, oh man, they were talking about sour cream and cheddar potatoes specifically!
Queen Alyssa approximately.
Sent: July 10/09 10:41 am
Alyssa: I feel like you would appreciate hearing that I am hooking up with a Bob Dylan look alike!
Terin: Yes! Did he play harmonica and then touch your vag?
Alyssa: He played my vag like it was a harmonica.
Alyssa: I feel like you would appreciate hearing that I am hooking up with a Bob Dylan look alike!
Terin: Yes! Did he play harmonica and then touch your vag?
Alyssa: He played my vag like it was a harmonica.
7.08.2009
Soul for hire.
Sent: July 6/09 10:21 pm
Prospective employee: Today I filled out an application for a job that asked me to describe my "personal relationship with Jesus Christ." So now, not only am I unemployed piece of shit, but I'm also a shameless liar.
Prospective employee: Today I filled out an application for a job that asked me to describe my "personal relationship with Jesus Christ." So now, not only am I unemployed piece of shit, but I'm also a shameless liar.
God bless.
Sent: July 6/09 1:04 pm
Rachel: I just finished a whole bag of Bertolli pasta by myself and don't feel as bad about it as I think I should.
Rachel: I just finished a whole bag of Bertolli pasta by myself and don't feel as bad about it as I think I should.
Drunk on a Sunday.
Sent: July 6/09 3:40 am
Brittney: You are the best friends anyone could ask for! What do you want for breakfast?
Terin: Um, hash browns and a new tampon.
Brittney: I have one in my purse!
Terin: Score, I'm putting that bad boy to use.
Brittney: You are the best friends anyone could ask for! What do you want for breakfast?
Terin: Um, hash browns and a new tampon.
Brittney: I have one in my purse!
Terin: Score, I'm putting that bad boy to use.
Fondant.
Sent: July 2/09 11:59 pm
Rachel: Watching Ace of Cakes makes me re-evaluate what I have done with my life.
Rachel: Watching Ace of Cakes makes me re-evaluate what I have done with my life.
6.29.2009
Hotlantic City.
Sent: June 29/09 4:45 pm
Chase: I've been in the hotel 10 minutes and have already seen two Guido men with button-down shirts unbuttoned almost all the way and tucked in!
Mullets > leggings.
Sent: June 28/09 7:22 am
Rachel: I saw a delightful man sporting a camo cargo short with a Hawaiian shirt.
Terin: What a visual treat! What kind of hair did he have?
Rachel: Right?? The hair was actually the Achilles of the whole thing- just a plain, short crop of brownish hair. A mullet would have been chocolate frosting!
Terin: Hahaha, I take it you're in CA for that concert?
Rachel: Yes, sunny Southern California! I've already seen three pairs of leggings, which enraged me.
Terin: Remind them that leggings are not pants.
Rachel: I cannot thing of a fashion trend, or anything really, that upsets me like leggings masquerading as pants. Haha, I should probably get a hobby.
Greetings from Oklahoma!
Sent: June 26/09 6:58 pm
Rachel: This is real: South Horseshoeing School.
Rachel: P.S. a roadside store in Oklahoma advertises that they sell, "boots, hats, tack, gifts." Tack as in tacky? What the hell does that mean??
6.26.2009
Mississippi things.
Sent: June 25/09 7:13 pm
Rachel: Two things: I just tried moonshine; And my uncle just asserted that people with HIV/AIDS in Africa deserve to die (lovely).
Terin: That's so eighties!
Rachel: Two things: I just tried moonshine; And my uncle just asserted that people with HIV/AIDS in Africa deserve to die (lovely).
Terin: That's so eighties!
Damn Canucks.
Sent: June 24/09 3:24 pm
Jess: Oh les joies de n-ayant pas un travail ou une vie. Vous assayez a la maison et ER de monte sur la chaine fraincaise.
Terin: This is America! Speak English!
Jess: Oh les joies de n-ayant pas un travail ou une vie. Vous assayez a la maison et ER de monte sur la chaine fraincaise.
Terin: This is America! Speak English!
6.22.2009
It's true.
Sent: June 21/09 6:24 pm
Terin: You just missed two slow-moving old men trying to cross Grant with like four camo suitcases.
Rachel: I enjoy that the only real things that separate the South and Colorado are accents and Boulder.
Terin: You just missed two slow-moving old men trying to cross Grant with like four camo suitcases.
Rachel: I enjoy that the only real things that separate the South and Colorado are accents and Boulder.
The divorce special.
Sent: June 21/09 5:01 pm
Rachel: My favorite billboard in Mississippi: Is your marriage over? DIVORCE $402.
Terin: Um, why $402 and not a flat $400?
Rachel: Exactly my question! Where the hell is that extra two dollars going?
Terin: To buy the divorcee a beer?
Rachel: Or a special at the buffet?
Terin: I just imagined a buffet solely for the divorced.
Rachel: My favorite billboard in Mississippi: Is your marriage over? DIVORCE $402.
Terin: Um, why $402 and not a flat $400?
Rachel: Exactly my question! Where the hell is that extra two dollars going?
Terin: To buy the divorcee a beer?
Rachel: Or a special at the buffet?
Terin: I just imagined a buffet solely for the divorced.
Rachel heads South.
Sent: June 20/09 5:49 pm
Rachel: First sighting: Amarillo, Texas. Three men holding Big Gulps staring into a car engine doing nothing.
Terin: Sounds like "King of the Hill." I'm so excited for this week's coming text messages about the South!
Rachel:Yeah, hopefully the South won't let us down and prove to be a beacon of equality and socialist rhetoric.
Rachel: First sighting: Amarillo, Texas. Three men holding Big Gulps staring into a car engine doing nothing.
Terin: Sounds like "King of the Hill." I'm so excited for this week's coming text messages about the South!
Rachel:Yeah, hopefully the South won't let us down and prove to be a beacon of equality and socialist rhetoric.
6.15.2009
Only in New Jersey.
Sent: May 30/09 12:28 pm
Chase: I just saw a handicapped driver pull over on the highway to let his friend out so he could cross the road to go to a strip club. Then he cut me off later down the road! Handicapped people are the fucking rudest motherfuckers!
Chase: I just saw a handicapped driver pull over on the highway to let his friend out so he could cross the road to go to a strip club. Then he cut me off later down the road! Handicapped people are the fucking rudest motherfuckers!
He's cumming.
Sent: May 29/09 5:25 pm
Chase: Dude, like one week and I'm in Coloradooooo.
Terin: I KNOW. I'M SO EXCITED.
Chase: Is your pussy wet?
Terin: Soaking. I'm all hot and bothered.
Chase: I have a semi.
Terin: Only a semi?
Chase: You don't have a dick or hairy legs! What good are you to me?
Terin: You don't know about the hairy legs. Uh, I was going to send you a photo of my wet panties but there's totally a period stain.
Chase: Dude, like one week and I'm in Coloradooooo.
Terin: I KNOW. I'M SO EXCITED.
Chase: Is your pussy wet?
Terin: Soaking. I'm all hot and bothered.
Chase: I have a semi.
Terin: Only a semi?
Chase: You don't have a dick or hairy legs! What good are you to me?
Terin: You don't know about the hairy legs. Uh, I was going to send you a photo of my wet panties but there's totally a period stain.
Fetal alcohol syndrome.
Sent: May 23/09 7:24 pm
Whore: I've had like eight Jager Bombs, two vodka sodas, a beer, and IT'S NOT EVEN DARK.
Irresponsible: Oh yeah? Well, I'm drunk driving.
Whore: Well, I'm drunk and aborting a baby. I win!
Irresponsible: Shut up! Ur preg?
Whore: With your babiez.
Irresponsible: No, really dude.
Whore: I'm not really pregnant, asshole!
Whore: I've had like eight Jager Bombs, two vodka sodas, a beer, and IT'S NOT EVEN DARK.
Irresponsible: Oh yeah? Well, I'm drunk driving.
Whore: Well, I'm drunk and aborting a baby. I win!
Irresponsible: Shut up! Ur preg?
Whore: With your babiez.
Irresponsible: No, really dude.
Whore: I'm not really pregnant, asshole!
5.18.2009
Tell me something I don't know.
Sent May 18, 2009 at 11:30pm
Wannabe Top: Well, I'm not a bottom, but your dick was delicious. You're mad hot.
Definitely a Top: Yeah...
Wannabe Top: Well, I'm not a bottom, but your dick was delicious. You're mad hot.
Definitely a Top: Yeah...
Who cares about the diploma?
Sent May 18, 2009 at 11:42pm
Chase: How was graduation?
Sarah: I was hungover. I felt like shit. And once they started calling the names (1200) I had to poop and pee SO BAD!
Chase: How was graduation?
Sarah: I was hungover. I felt like shit. And once they started calling the names (1200) I had to poop and pee SO BAD!
It's true.
Sent: May 16/09 2:57 pm
Chase: Go look at it, library whore.
Terin: Ugh, but then I'll have to do my hair to go to the library. In case I meet my next bearded, smart, and witty music/book nerd boyfriend who happens to be there.
Chase: The chances of that happening are slim. You'll just trip and fall into his dick in his Pinto parked in the lot. Don't act like events in the past haven't unfolded like that.
5.16.2009
How would you like your cash back today?
Sent: May 12/09 2:13 pm
Whore: The teller at Bank of America kept smiling and staring at me... It wasn't until after I left that I remember that I fucked their face once.
Tums and cum.
Sent: May 15/09 4:00 pm
Rachel: I had Chipotle earlier and now I have wicked heartburn. It's like I gave Satan a blowjob.
Fifteen minutes with Daniel Frankfurter.
Sent: May 14/09 6:03 pm
Rachel: I failed to realize, until just now, that the author of my history textbook is named Daniel Frankfurter. Ha!
Terin: What a name! What a man! I can only imagine the lifestyle he leads.
Rachel: Yeah, and he's a medieval historian. I'll bet he drinks a lot of sherry.
Terin: He has swords in his office for sure.
Rachel: Right? And maybe a dragon tattoo that he doesn't like to show people?
Password Pt. 2
Sent May 16, 2009 at 3:15pm
Chase: Loser.
Terin: Faggot.
Chase: Cunt.
Terin: Piece of shit.
Chase: Cum dumpster.
Terin: Whitney Houston.
Chase: Diana Ross.
Terin: Queen Latifa.
Chase: Mo'Nique.
Terin: Brandy.
Chase: Monica.
Terin: Lisa Left Eye Lopez.
Chase: Peppa.
Terin: Pepperjack cheese.
Chase: Colby.
Terin: Headcheese.
Chase: Pantene Pro-V
Terin: Nair.
Chase: Balls.
Terin: Basketball shorts.
Chase: Wiener.
Terin: Schlong.
Chase: Shaft.
Terin: Urethra.
Chase: Aretha Franklin.
Terin: Star Jones.
Chase: Cow.
Terin: Pigface.
Chase: Bacon.
Terin: Jew.
Chase: Fro.
Terin: Weave.
Chase: Myrtle.
Terin: Miss Pearl.
Chase: Loser.
Terin: Faggot.
Chase: Cunt.
Terin: Piece of shit.
Chase: Cum dumpster.
Terin: Whitney Houston.
Chase: Diana Ross.
Terin: Queen Latifa.
Chase: Mo'Nique.
Terin: Brandy.
Chase: Monica.
Terin: Lisa Left Eye Lopez.
Chase: Peppa.
Terin: Pepperjack cheese.
Chase: Colby.
Terin: Headcheese.
Chase: Pantene Pro-V
Terin: Nair.
Chase: Balls.
Terin: Basketball shorts.
Chase: Wiener.
Terin: Schlong.
Chase: Shaft.
Terin: Urethra.
Chase: Aretha Franklin.
Terin: Star Jones.
Chase: Cow.
Terin: Pigface.
Chase: Bacon.
Terin: Jew.
Chase: Fro.
Terin: Weave.
Chase: Myrtle.
Terin: Miss Pearl.
The password is Pt. 1
Sent May 16, 2009 at 3:08pm
Terin: Brittney loved your facebook status this morning.
Chase: About Harry Potter?
Terin: Yeah the dementor thing.
Chase: Yeah.
Terin: Yeah.
Chase: Yeah.
Terin: Yup.
Chase: Mmhmm.
Terin: Yuh huh.
Chase: Yes.
Terin: Yessiree.
Chase: Youbetcha.
Terin: Damn it. I can't top "youbetcha"!
Terin: Brittney loved your facebook status this morning.
Chase: About Harry Potter?
Terin: Yeah the dementor thing.
Chase: Yeah.
Terin: Yeah.
Chase: Yeah.
Terin: Yup.
Chase: Mmhmm.
Terin: Yuh huh.
Chase: Yes.
Terin: Yessiree.
Chase: Youbetcha.
Terin: Damn it. I can't top "youbetcha"!
Learn to love it.
Sent May 13, 2009 at 6:02pm
Terin: Jesus, a sixty year old man just winked at me from his converter van.
Chase: Did you wink back? Or at least give the eat my vag sign?
Terin: I need to work on my vag sign- I always forget you can use it in those situations!
Chase: What other situation would you use it in?
Terin: The lesbian bar?
Terin: Jesus, a sixty year old man just winked at me from his converter van.
Chase: Did you wink back? Or at least give the eat my vag sign?
Terin: I need to work on my vag sign- I always forget you can use it in those situations!
Chase: What other situation would you use it in?
Terin: The lesbian bar?
Fagalicious.
Sent May 13, 2009 at 7:35pm
Terin: I bought it at this shop in Boulder. On Pearl Street where everything is Tibetan and smells like incense and you can get rainbow bumper stickers.
Chase: Fagalicious.
Terin: I bought it at this shop in Boulder. On Pearl Street where everything is Tibetan and smells like incense and you can get rainbow bumper stickers.
Chase: Fagalicious.
5.07.2009
Sweet fifteen.
Sent: May 5/09 7:36 pm
Terin: Best Cinco de Mayo gift- I just saw like five Mexican gangsters buying pink cupcakes!
Sam: LOL, must be a quinceanera.
Her existence is futile.
Sent: May 4/09 1:23 pm
Rachel: I am watching a girl attempt to comb her hair in the wind. Good to know that common sense is still something that cannot be bought.
5.05.2009
What's that smell?
Sent May 4, 2009 at 7:50pm
Terin: I wouldn't mind my job if I didn't have to clean the goddamn case every Monday.
Chase: You should start hiding dead fish in cereal boxes.
Terin: That would be a rude surprise.
It's a curse.
Sent May 3, 2009 at 7:15pm
Jake: You escape your prison?
Chase: I'll always be gay Jake :-(
Jake: Hahaha
Chase: I'm crossing the Manhattan Bridge now; get out the lube.
Jake: Alright, I'll grease up the ol' joints.
Chase: Stretch out good. Yo gunna get raped!
Always a gentleman.
Sent May 1, 2009 at 12:47pm
Jake: Where you hoarding your filthy nuts tonight, ninja?
Did I have pubic hair in 5th grade?
Sent May 4, 2009 at 6:57pm
Stepmom: One of my students told me today that he is pretty sure he's starting puberty because he is getting pubis hair. Isn't that nice he feels so close to me?
Chase: I almost just wrecked my car.
5.02.2009
Best text message in a while.
Sent: May 1/09 5:47 pm
Hot and Bothered: Dude, I don't know what is going on but I am so horny! I close my eyes and all I can think about is cock!
Hot and Bothered: Dude, I don't know what is going on but I am so horny! I close my eyes and all I can think about is cock!
Clearly Voldemort did it.
Sent: May 1/09 3:29 pm
Rachel: I just threw away a dead hummingbird in a dumpster and it was one of the saddest moments of my adult life.
Terin: Oh! Hummingbirds are supposed to live forever. Like Santa.
Rachel: Exactly! It was like seeing a dead unicorn.
Rachel: I just threw away a dead hummingbird in a dumpster and it was one of the saddest moments of my adult life.
Terin: Oh! Hummingbirds are supposed to live forever. Like Santa.
Rachel: Exactly! It was like seeing a dead unicorn.
4.30.2009
Stir the meat pot.
Sent April 29/09 12:28 pm
Terin: God, all the women at my work are gossiping or bitching.
Chase: Join in and make things up!
Terin: God, all the women at my work are gossiping or bitching.
Chase: Join in and make things up!
Would Miranda criticize?
Sent: April 29/09 11:15 am
Rachel: SJP is having twins...through a surrogate mother...?
Terin: Uh, weird.
Rachel: Right? Is that even a legit job: "I get pregnant for a living."
Terin: I bet there was a ridiculous screening process to be her baby maker.
Rachel: Bahaha. It would be supplemented by a runway show, how well you walk in stilettos, and who your favorite American author is? Go!
Terin: Hahaha, and they have to be able to use the word "trite" in a sentence.
Rachel: HA! God, I want to incubate Parker's children.
Rachel: SJP is having twins...through a surrogate mother...?
Terin: Uh, weird.
Rachel: Right? Is that even a legit job: "I get pregnant for a living."
Terin: I bet there was a ridiculous screening process to be her baby maker.
Rachel: Bahaha. It would be supplemented by a runway show, how well you walk in stilettos, and who your favorite American author is? Go!
Terin: Hahaha, and they have to be able to use the word "trite" in a sentence.
Rachel: HA! God, I want to incubate Parker's children.
4.28.2009
Beefy.
Sent: April 28/09 5:17 pm
Terin: Just saw a man in sweatpants and an 80's tanktop with CRAZY chest hair. And he had at least ten pounds of ground meat in his arms.
Sam: Nuts, I hope he makes a giant meatloaf.
Terin: I hope he eats the meatloaf shirtless and in his sweatpants.
Terin: Just saw a man in sweatpants and an 80's tanktop with CRAZY chest hair. And he had at least ten pounds of ground meat in his arms.
Sam: Nuts, I hope he makes a giant meatloaf.
Terin: I hope he eats the meatloaf shirtless and in his sweatpants.
A mexican haiku.
Sent: April 26/09 ll:43 pm
Chase: Tacos.
Terin: Taco tits.
Chase: Taco tit clit con queso.
Chase: Tacos.
Terin: Taco tits.
Chase: Taco tit clit con queso.
4.27.2009
She gets "Wild Horses" and we both want "Tuesday's Gone".
Sent: April 25/09 5:43 pm
Rachel: I have decided on another song that will be played @ your funeral: "Handbags and Gladrags" by our beloved Rod Stewart. (I don't want you to die, but the soundtrack is going to be epic.)
Rachel: I have decided on another song that will be played @ your funeral: "Handbags and Gladrags" by our beloved Rod Stewart. (I don't want you to die, but the soundtrack is going to be epic.)
4.26.2009
"What goes with Busch Light? Hot dogs?"
Sent: April 25/09 5:18 pm
Terin: This woman that smells strongly of cigarettes has been wandering around the meat department for like twenty minutes with only Busch Light and Natty Ice in her cart.
Chase: She probably has like three bucks left of the party budget left and doesn't know what to splurge on! Help her!
Terin: This woman that smells strongly of cigarettes has been wandering around the meat department for like twenty minutes with only Busch Light and Natty Ice in her cart.
Chase: She probably has like three bucks left of the party budget left and doesn't know what to splurge on! Help her!
She's in it for the gang bang.
Sent: April 25, 2009 at 2:26pm
Sarah: I'm in Park Slope!
Chase: You feel like staying in and watching a movie tonight? Or would you like to throw together a gang bang?
Sarah: Yaa, wine and movies. I have "Milk" on DVD here.
Chase: Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I wanna watch that homo movie! Let's watch something with brute violence!
Sarah: PURE COINCIDENCE, I SWEAR.
Chase: Wet. Hot. American. Summer.
Sarah: K bring lube.
Chase: For your pussy?
Sarah: I'm in Park Slope!
Chase: You feel like staying in and watching a movie tonight? Or would you like to throw together a gang bang?
Sarah: Yaa, wine and movies. I have "Milk" on DVD here.
Chase: Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I wanna watch that homo movie! Let's watch something with brute violence!
Sarah: PURE COINCIDENCE, I SWEAR.
Chase: Wet. Hot. American. Summer.
Sarah: K bring lube.
Chase: For your pussy?
Whore: noun 1. a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money; prostitute; harlot; strumpet.
Sent: April 26, 2009 at 12:44pm
Terin: Why didn't you invite me to breakfast?? What did you shop for?
Chase: I did invite you. You were too busy giving out BJ's to every Tom, Dick, and Harry (Potter). I got a shirt!
Terin: Eff you- he was really hot and interesting and blowjobs don't mean anything! What kind of shirt? I want one!
Chase: They didn't have one in size "whore". Sorry.
Terin: Why didn't you invite me to breakfast?? What did you shop for?
Chase: I did invite you. You were too busy giving out BJ's to every Tom, Dick, and Harry (Potter). I got a shirt!
Terin: Eff you- he was really hot and interesting and blowjobs don't mean anything! What kind of shirt? I want one!
Chase: They didn't have one in size "whore". Sorry.
4.25.2009
Everyone else is just hungover.
Sent: April 25/09 10:37 am
Rachel: The only people on campus on a Saturday: Asians and graduate students.
Terin: So true. Or visiting prospective students.
Rachel: I JUST saw one with a new Chapman tee shirt and an eager parent in tow!
Rachel: The only people on campus on a Saturday: Asians and graduate students.
Terin: So true. Or visiting prospective students.
Rachel: I JUST saw one with a new Chapman tee shirt and an eager parent in tow!
Meat panties.
Sent: April 24/09 6:50 pm
Jess: Let's fuck.
Terin: Meet me in the library. Wear those panties I like.
Jess: The ones made of bacon?
Jess: Let's fuck.
Terin: Meet me in the library. Wear those panties I like.
Jess: The ones made of bacon?
4.21.2009
Blitz day.
Sent: April 20/09 4:33 pm
Stoner 1: 4-20 is probably like Black Friday at Taco Bell.
Stoner 2: That is probably the best thing I've heard all month.
Stoner 1: 4-20 is probably like Black Friday at Taco Bell.
Stoner 2: That is probably the best thing I've heard all month.
Pass the mustard.
Sent: April 20/09 9:59 am
Rachel: There is this fellow in my class who always brings the weirdest food with him. Today, in a gallon plastic bag, he has one hot dog and four small hamburger patties. He just eats them straight out of the bag with a fork.
Terin: Jesus, that's a lot of meat! I get self conscious eating an apple in class; half a BBQ is bold!
Rachel: There is this fellow in my class who always brings the weirdest food with him. Today, in a gallon plastic bag, he has one hot dog and four small hamburger patties. He just eats them straight out of the bag with a fork.
Terin: Jesus, that's a lot of meat! I get self conscious eating an apple in class; half a BBQ is bold!
Purely fact and chauvinism.
Sent April 19, 2009 at 8:34pm
Chase: I'm smarter than you.
Brittney: Doubt it. You are pretty stupid. That would probably explain why you eat your own shit.
Chase: That response took three minutes and it wasn't even good. And men are always smarter than women; it's science.
Chase: I'm smarter than you.
Brittney: Doubt it. You are pretty stupid. That would probably explain why you eat your own shit.
Chase: That response took three minutes and it wasn't even good. And men are always smarter than women; it's science.
At least Brittney indulges my obsession.
Sent April 19, 2009 at 8:57pm
Brittney: It would be better if you could just be here to talk. Have you mastered apparation yet?
Chase: Not yet. I keep splicing my legs.
Brittney: Fuck. That means you aren't concentrating on where you need to be hard enough. You know, I do know a guy who sells floo powder cheap. Do you have access to a fire place?
Chase: That is a stupid question, everyone knows they're tracking the floo networks. Too risky.
Brittney: Well then I guess you're plum out of luck. Although, my boyfriend Ron has had no problems with the floo network.
Brittney: It would be better if you could just be here to talk. Have you mastered apparation yet?
Chase: Not yet. I keep splicing my legs.
Brittney: Fuck. That means you aren't concentrating on where you need to be hard enough. You know, I do know a guy who sells floo powder cheap. Do you have access to a fire place?
Chase: That is a stupid question, everyone knows they're tracking the floo networks. Too risky.
Brittney: Well then I guess you're plum out of luck. Although, my boyfriend Ron has had no problems with the floo network.
If only Paul Rudd was here.
Sent April 21, 2009 at 1:39am
Terin: You're a virgin who can't drive.
Chase: That was way harsh.
Terin: You're a virgin who can't drive.
Chase: That was way harsh.
4.20.2009
It was the worst of times.
Sent: April 18/09 1:52 pm
Rachel: Ugh, I just heard a conversation peppered with the words "dude" and "bro" so much that I was reminded why I will be glad to leave Southern California.
Terin: Haha, doesn't hearing the word "bro" make you want to read some Dickens?
Rachel: Ugh, I just heard a conversation peppered with the words "dude" and "bro" so much that I was reminded why I will be glad to leave Southern California.
Terin: Haha, doesn't hearing the word "bro" make you want to read some Dickens?
Coleman beef.
Sent: April 18/09 1:00 pm
Terin: Reason fifteen I hate my job: when I pulled my phone out at lunch there was ground beef on it.
Chase: I hope it was at least lean.
Terin: Reason fifteen I hate my job: when I pulled my phone out at lunch there was ground beef on it.
Chase: I hope it was at least lean.
4.18.2009
Fuck non-kosher for Passover Pepsi.
Sent: April 18, 2009 at 4:00pm
Chase: What is that? Aspertame? Doesn't that give mice cancer?
Dabin: Well, I'm not a mice.
Chase: You're....not..a...mice.
Chase: What is that? Aspertame? Doesn't that give mice cancer?
Dabin: Well, I'm not a mice.
Chase: You're....not..a...mice.
It's as close to heaven as you're going to get!
Sent April 18, 2009 at 12:56am
Chase: I stick with the truth, as harsh as it is. But, I wouldn't want another suicide I've caused to plague my mind.
Brittney: Too late. I am about to hang myself in my closest.
Chase: Oh, shit! Tap on your clit right before you die. It's the closest you're ever going to get to heaven!
Brittney: Ha ha, I don't even know how to respond.
Chase: You're welcomeam.
Chase: Haha, that made no sense! I'm texting while driving and there are cops everywhere today so I'm anorexia nervosa!
Brittney: Ha ha, be careful. Although, I think you going to jail would make for a good story.
Chase: Yeah, I'll be giving out BJ's for lip gloss money. Ew. I am not that gay. I'm going to boot everywhere in my car!
Chase: I stick with the truth, as harsh as it is. But, I wouldn't want another suicide I've caused to plague my mind.
Brittney: Too late. I am about to hang myself in my closest.
Chase: Oh, shit! Tap on your clit right before you die. It's the closest you're ever going to get to heaven!
Brittney: Ha ha, I don't even know how to respond.
Chase: You're welcomeam.
Chase: Haha, that made no sense! I'm texting while driving and there are cops everywhere today so I'm anorexia nervosa!
Brittney: Ha ha, be careful. Although, I think you going to jail would make for a good story.
Chase: Yeah, I'll be giving out BJ's for lip gloss money. Ew. I am not that gay. I'm going to boot everywhere in my car!
4.17.2009
There's no point in even texting this.
Sent: April 15/09 12:54 pm
Rachel: God, I hate walking behind hipsters or nihilists! They never have to be anywhere in a hurry!
Rachel: God, I hate walking behind hipsters or nihilists! They never have to be anywhere in a hurry!
Schitty Chinese.
Sent: April 17/09 2:34 pm
Terin: (forwarded from Chase, at the Chinese buffet)
Rachel: Ew. At least they don't even lie about it.
Terin: The Chinese are an honest people. Unless it's about Mao or lead.
Terin: (forwarded from Chase, at the Chinese buffet)
Rachel: Ew. At least they don't even lie about it.
Terin: The Chinese are an honest people. Unless it's about Mao or lead.
"Never a Tender Moment."
Sent: April 14/09 6:33 pm
Terin: RIP Marilyn Chambers: 70's Porn Queen!
Jake: Too old to care, but I bet you love rubbing one out to the classics like that.
Terin: RIP Marilyn Chambers: 70's Porn Queen!
Jake: Too old to care, but I bet you love rubbing one out to the classics like that.
4.16.2009
It's not a finger.
Sent: April 16, 2009 at 11:12pm
Chase: What's your favorite thing about the penis?
Rachel: It's not a finger.
Chase: What's your favorite thing about the penis?
Rachel: It's not a finger.
"And tonight's powerball number is..."
Sent April 16, 2009 at 3:00pm
Terin: Let's win the lotto so I can quit my job.
Chase: This is like a bi-weekly conversation we have.
Terin: Well, it needs to fucking happen!
Terin: Let's win the lotto so I can quit my job.
Chase: This is like a bi-weekly conversation we have.
Terin: Well, it needs to fucking happen!
What's your ghetto name?
Sent April 15, 2009 at 11:54pm
Chase: All I have to say is: Watermelondrea.
Rachel: Oh sweet Mary-the name of your first born? She'll be a ghetto queen!
Chase: Seriously, she's destined to be a video girl!
Rachel: She'd be R Kelly's favorite one to pee on!
Chase: Something that most strive for and never attain!
Chase: All I have to say is: Watermelondrea.
Rachel: Oh sweet Mary-the name of your first born? She'll be a ghetto queen!
Chase: Seriously, she's destined to be a video girl!
Rachel: She'd be R Kelly's favorite one to pee on!
Chase: Something that most strive for and never attain!
I'm just coming to bang you.
Sent April 15, 2009 at 11:51pm
Rachel: I hear you're coming to class Colorado!
Chase: Yeah, to pound out your vag.
Rachel: Haha, oh good! I'll be needing a good bang by then-you'd better stretch, we'll want you nice and limber when you get there.
Chase: There, as in your vagina!
Rachel: I hear you're coming to class Colorado!
Chase: Yeah, to pound out your vag.
Rachel: Haha, oh good! I'll be needing a good bang by then-you'd better stretch, we'll want you nice and limber when you get there.
Chase: There, as in your vagina!
4.13.2009
I take the present opportunity of answering your letter of the thirteenth. May you well imagine, my heart is full.
Sent: April 13/09 10:17 pm
Terin: Your texts have been magical today, by the way.
Rachel: Yours too! I love our texting relationship.
Terin: We're such modern pieces of shit. :) Texting is like our form of a Civil War letter.
Terin: Your texts have been magical today, by the way.
Rachel: Yours too! I love our texting relationship.
Terin: We're such modern pieces of shit. :) Texting is like our form of a Civil War letter.
Amen, sister friend.
Sent: April 13/09 10:14 pm
Rachel: God, I hate the sound of kissing! My roommate's boyfriend just came over and I could hear their "greeting" in my room. Ew.
Terin: Haha, that is excessive saliva exchange, Jesus! I hate the sound too- we're so bitter.
Rachel: Bitter, or just not big fans of things that are gross. Either way, kissing does not need to be loud. It's not a fucking porno.
Rachel: God, I hate the sound of kissing! My roommate's boyfriend just came over and I could hear their "greeting" in my room. Ew.
Terin: Haha, that is excessive saliva exchange, Jesus! I hate the sound too- we're so bitter.
Rachel: Bitter, or just not big fans of things that are gross. Either way, kissing does not need to be loud. It's not a fucking porno.
A rant.
Sent: April 13/09 9:54 am
Rachel: I know it's Southern California, but there is this young woman who (visibly) wears a bathing suit under her clothes every day and I just want to say, "Really? A scorching 70 degrees is too hot for you to throw on some panties?"
Rachel: I know it's Southern California, but there is this young woman who (visibly) wears a bathing suit under her clothes every day and I just want to say, "Really? A scorching 70 degrees is too hot for you to throw on some panties?"
4.12.2009
It'll all be over soon.
Sent: April 13, 2009 at 1:13am
Terin: Jesus, she's going to do something more irrational now.
Chase: I hope it involves crashing her car into a river.
Terin: Jesus, she's going to do something more irrational now.
Chase: I hope it involves crashing her car into a river.
Christ has come.
Sent: April 12/09 12:42 pm
Terin: I bet you're eating lots of candy today!
Jake: I wish. We went light on the candy and took a bunch of acid instead.
Terin: I heard you've been tripping all week, young man.
Jake: Not today, but over this holiday weekend.
Terin: Holy Week = acid.
Jake: How else are you supposed to see God?
Terin: I bet you're eating lots of candy today!
Jake: I wish. We went light on the candy and took a bunch of acid instead.
Terin: I heard you've been tripping all week, young man.
Jake: Not today, but over this holiday weekend.
Terin: Holy Week = acid.
Jake: How else are you supposed to see God?
4.11.2009
This pretty much sums up our friendship.
Sent: April 11/09 9:00 pm
Terin: Oh man, I love when mean Asian parents have their children jogging and trailing behind them to catch up.
Rachel: And playing on their calculators!
Terin: Haha, I wish! That would be a stereotype dream-come-true.
Rachel: Haha where are you that there are trailing mini-Asians?
Terin: The grocery store buying VAGINAL ANTIFUNGAL CREAM. I drunkenly slept in my tights with a tampon in. Now I have a yeast infection, because I'm that classy.
Rachel: Haha Terin...Words cannot even describe my love for you right now. Vaginal fungus and all!
Terin: Haha, yay! I was hoping to see someone from high school again, like when I was buying UTI meds last time.
Rachel: Are you going to shamefully go to self checkout?
Terin: Oh yeah, I've gotta have some shred of dignity while buying cookies and vag cream.
Rachel: BahahahaLOL and the cookies! Sounds like you are settling in for a grand evening.
Terin: Fuck yeah! My Saturday night is gonna be out of control.
Rachel: Mine too. Going to unpack and then have a cigarette on the porch in my housecoat and get drunk and watch a movie. Wish you and your cookies were here!
Terin: Aw, me too! what are you going to watch?
Rachel: I think "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" or "High Fidelity". Something that makes me snort-laugh.
Terin: Fuck! Both are amazing- copious amounts of penis or bitter John Cusack rants.
Terin: Oh man, I love when mean Asian parents have their children jogging and trailing behind them to catch up.
Rachel: And playing on their calculators!
Terin: Haha, I wish! That would be a stereotype dream-come-true.
Rachel: Haha where are you that there are trailing mini-Asians?
Terin: The grocery store buying VAGINAL ANTIFUNGAL CREAM. I drunkenly slept in my tights with a tampon in. Now I have a yeast infection, because I'm that classy.
Rachel: Haha Terin...Words cannot even describe my love for you right now. Vaginal fungus and all!
Terin: Haha, yay! I was hoping to see someone from high school again, like when I was buying UTI meds last time.
Rachel: Are you going to shamefully go to self checkout?
Terin: Oh yeah, I've gotta have some shred of dignity while buying cookies and vag cream.
Rachel: BahahahaLOL and the cookies! Sounds like you are settling in for a grand evening.
Terin: Fuck yeah! My Saturday night is gonna be out of control.
Rachel: Mine too. Going to unpack and then have a cigarette on the porch in my housecoat and get drunk and watch a movie. Wish you and your cookies were here!
Terin: Aw, me too! what are you going to watch?
Rachel: I think "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" or "High Fidelity". Something that makes me snort-laugh.
Terin: Fuck! Both are amazing- copious amounts of penis or bitter John Cusack rants.
Wicked awesome.
Sent: April 11/09 12:09 pm
Rachel: While going through airport security the woman in front of me was fumbling to unload her things into the little trays said in a thick Boston accent, "Damn terrorists. Goddamnit."
Rachel: While going through airport security the woman in front of me was fumbling to unload her things into the little trays said in a thick Boston accent, "Damn terrorists. Goddamnit."
Love and death, sort of.
Sent: April 11/09 6:44 pm
Terin: Um, we just sent over fifty texts in an hour.
Chase: And every one of them had to do with sex.
Terin: Or suicide.
Terin: Um, we just sent over fifty texts in an hour.
Chase: And every one of them had to do with sex.
Terin: Or suicide.
Jeff Goldbloom.
Sent: April 11/ 8:51 pm
The fly: Someone is smoking weed in front of me up the block. It's like I'm a fly zooming towards a pile of shit!
The fly: Someone is smoking weed in front of me up the block. It's like I'm a fly zooming towards a pile of shit!
Post post-modern light installation.
Sent April 10, 2009 at 7:23pm
Chase: I am the proud owner of a new Lite Brite! Only dirty words shall grace its glowing screen! Word of the day: cunt.
Giovanni: I envision a giant rainbow cock and balls.
Chase: Give me some credit assclown. I'm not thattttttt gay.
Giovanni: Hahaha just say it's postmodern.
Chase: I am the proud owner of a new Lite Brite! Only dirty words shall grace its glowing screen! Word of the day: cunt.
Giovanni: I envision a giant rainbow cock and balls.
Chase: Give me some credit assclown. I'm not thattttttt gay.
Giovanni: Hahaha just say it's postmodern.
4.10.2009
One large with black olives and tampax.
Sent: April 8/09 7:43 pm
Jess: All of my roomates and I are PMSing, so we just ordered Domino's pizza online. And we had to name the order and I said "PMS" and my roomate just put it down.
Terin: Amazing. They should sprinkle some Midol in the sauce.
Jess: All of my roomates and I are PMSing, so we just ordered Domino's pizza online. And we had to name the order and I said "PMS" and my roomate just put it down.
Terin: Amazing. They should sprinkle some Midol in the sauce.
If only.
Sent: April 9/09 10:50 am
Chase: I wish we could talk telepathically so we could always be talking with no delay.
Terin: Aw, <3.
Chase: I wish we could talk telepathically so we could always be talking with no delay.
Terin: Aw, <3.
4.09.2009
Tell me a story.
Sent April 9, 2009 at 12:55pm
Chase: I am bored. Tell me a story. Or I will hurt your vaginey.
Brittney: Um, but I like it when my vagina hurts. That usually means I have been having a good time.
Chase: Spoken like a true whore.
Chase: I am bored. Tell me a story. Or I will hurt your vaginey.
Brittney: Um, but I like it when my vagina hurts. That usually means I have been having a good time.
Chase: Spoken like a true whore.
4.08.2009
Jess has IBS.
Sent: April 8/09 11:16 pm
Jess: I just took a shit that was so big it makes my asshole feel like something is missing.
Jess: I just took a shit that was so big it makes my asshole feel like something is missing.
4.07.2009
Tru luv.
Sent: April 7/09 9:50 am
Randle: Fag.
Terin: Dick licker.
Randle: I'm gonna fist u tonight.
Terin: Can't wait, baby. I'm already wet.
Randle: Fag.
Terin: Dick licker.
Randle: I'm gonna fist u tonight.
Terin: Can't wait, baby. I'm already wet.
4.06.2009
4.05.2009
This text has been compromised.
Sent April 4, 2009 at 12:58pm
Allison: I know it was you who sent me the dark mark via text message!
Chase: I would never! I am loyal follower of Harry and not to mention my rank in the order! Your words are blasphemy!
Allison: Then the only other culprit could be... DUN DUN DUN! Megan "smelly ass" Wilson, whose gaseous secretions could kill entire nations! I saw her with the Malfoys.
Chase: These texts have been compromised. Cease transmission.
Allison: I know it was you who sent me the dark mark via text message!
Chase: I would never! I am loyal follower of Harry and not to mention my rank in the order! Your words are blasphemy!
Allison: Then the only other culprit could be... DUN DUN DUN! Megan "smelly ass" Wilson, whose gaseous secretions could kill entire nations! I saw her with the Malfoys.
Chase: These texts have been compromised. Cease transmission.
Birthday wishes from Terin's mom.
Sent on April 4, 2009 at 7:36pm
Terins Moms Cell: Happy Birthday monkey breath!
Terins Moms Cell: Happy Birthday monkey breath!
Random thoughts by Chad.
Sent Saturday April 4, 2009 12:16am via Blackberry Messanger
Chad: I just had random thought.
Chase: ?
Chad: If Terin were in her 20's in the 1970's... She would have been in the band Heart.
Chad: I just had random thought.
Chase: ?
Chad: If Terin were in her 20's in the 1970's... She would have been in the band Heart.
4.04.2009
Thank God, Allah, Vishnu, and Harry Potter for bulges.
Sent: April 4/04 12:45 pm
Chase: Just saw a dude in Penn Station with b-ball shorts on with a BONER! Best birthday present ever!
Chase: I'm not even kidding. It turned me on. Harry Potter, I need a boyfriend.
Terin: Hahaha, I love you. Um, are you just substituting "Harry Potter" for "God" or "Jesus Christ" now??
Chase: Just saw a dude in Penn Station with b-ball shorts on with a BONER! Best birthday present ever!
Chase: I'm not even kidding. It turned me on. Harry Potter, I need a boyfriend.
Terin: Hahaha, I love you. Um, are you just substituting "Harry Potter" for "God" or "Jesus Christ" now??
The Online Diary of Anne Frank
Sent: April 4/09 4:50 pm
Chase: LAST TIME I'M TELLING YOU. You get on facebook and you immediately get on facebook chat. If this happens again, I'm going to de-friend you! BITCH.
Terin: I don't like getting on chat because people that I would never ever talk to in IM or real life feel the need to "chat" with me!
Chase: Which is when you feel the need to ignore everyone but me.
Terin: But, I have a precedent of not being on it, so they'll know I'm on; and then I have to be like Anne Frank in news feed.
Chase: Type quietly so no one hears you.
Chase: LAST TIME I'M TELLING YOU. You get on facebook and you immediately get on facebook chat. If this happens again, I'm going to de-friend you! BITCH.
Terin: I don't like getting on chat because people that I would never ever talk to in IM or real life feel the need to "chat" with me!
Chase: Which is when you feel the need to ignore everyone but me.
Terin: But, I have a precedent of not being on it, so they'll know I'm on; and then I have to be like Anne Frank in news feed.
Chase: Type quietly so no one hears you.
4.03.2009
Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret.
Sent: April 3/09 11:22 am
Terin: I keep starting my period unexpectedly and woke up to a bloody mess and a spot on my sheets- I feel like I am a thirteen year old girl.
Terin: (Sends photo of sheet stain) Haha, gross.
Chase: Ew, I just vomited in my mouth! Get a tamp!
Terin: Bahahaha, I had to send it! And I have a tamp in now, gawd. I think I'm miscarrying.
Terin: I keep starting my period unexpectedly and woke up to a bloody mess and a spot on my sheets- I feel like I am a thirteen year old girl.
Terin: (Sends photo of sheet stain) Haha, gross.
Chase: Ew, I just vomited in my mouth! Get a tamp!
Terin: Bahahaha, I had to send it! And I have a tamp in now, gawd. I think I'm miscarrying.
4.01.2009
Floral patterns and loafers in your future.
Sent: March 29/09 10:18 am
Rachel: I am sitting next to a woman who is exactly how I picture myself at 72!
Rachel: She's a little creepy and mumbles to herself occasionally, then chuckles.
Rachel: I am sitting next to a woman who is exactly how I picture myself at 72!
Rachel: She's a little creepy and mumbles to herself occasionally, then chuckles.
I have a UTI, WTF.
Sent: March 30/09 6:21 pm
Terin: Does your vagina burn like fire?
Kelsey: My vagina feels like it has a HUGE clot at the top and every time I pee little bits slowly scrape off. It hurts like a motherfucker. I almost cried like 10 times today in my work bathroom haha.
Terin: With drugs, it will feel better in like a day. Apparently you get them from rough sex or dirty hands or dirty panties, but always from butthole bacteria.
Kelsey: Haha gross...all of them.
Terin: Oh, and you should pee after sex every time.
Kelsey: Haha, I do! I thought that would prevent this...I guess my poo got up my urethra.
Terin: I'm pretty sure mine was from keeping my lacy underwear on during hasty morning sex- I felt like such a retard.
Kelsey: Haha, did you just push them to the side or let them go in? I feel chained when I push them to the side...you get stuck and shit.
Terin: To the side, haha. It wasn't the best idea, considering it made me get butthole filth in my urethra.
Kelsey: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Oh shit, that just made my day.
Terin: I'm pretty sure I cried the first day I had it- it hurt so badly! I would have had to leave work. Did you have to tell your boss your vagina was burning?
Kelsey: Yeah, I told her it hurt and bled when I peed and she goes, "You have a UTI. Yep. You've been having too much sex?!"
Terin: At least she was funny about it. You're bleeding??
Terin: Does your vagina burn like fire?
Kelsey: My vagina feels like it has a HUGE clot at the top and every time I pee little bits slowly scrape off. It hurts like a motherfucker. I almost cried like 10 times today in my work bathroom haha.
Terin: With drugs, it will feel better in like a day. Apparently you get them from rough sex or dirty hands or dirty panties, but always from butthole bacteria.
Kelsey: Haha gross...all of them.
Terin: Oh, and you should pee after sex every time.
Kelsey: Haha, I do! I thought that would prevent this...I guess my poo got up my urethra.
Terin: I'm pretty sure mine was from keeping my lacy underwear on during hasty morning sex- I felt like such a retard.
Kelsey: Haha, did you just push them to the side or let them go in? I feel chained when I push them to the side...you get stuck and shit.
Terin: To the side, haha. It wasn't the best idea, considering it made me get butthole filth in my urethra.
Kelsey: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Oh shit, that just made my day.
Terin: I'm pretty sure I cried the first day I had it- it hurt so badly! I would have had to leave work. Did you have to tell your boss your vagina was burning?
Kelsey: Yeah, I told her it hurt and bled when I peed and she goes, "You have a UTI. Yep. You've been having too much sex?!"
Terin: At least she was funny about it. You're bleeding??
3.31.2009
It's always about poop.
Sent March 31, 2009 @ 1:06:57pm
Chase: (Waiting for Jake to come on to Xbox Live) Where u at?
Jake: Takin' a crap. Gimme a moment.
Chase: Word.
Chase: (Waiting for Jake to come on to Xbox Live) Where u at?
Jake: Takin' a crap. Gimme a moment.
Chase: Word.
3.29.2009
Shuddup.
Sent: March 28/09 10:41 am
Terin: God, I'm stuck in this parking booth with an overly chatty fifty year old.
Brittney: Headline: "Fifty year old chats herself to murder."
Terin: God, I'm stuck in this parking booth with an overly chatty fifty year old.
Brittney: Headline: "Fifty year old chats herself to murder."
Lovin' it.
Sent: March 28/09 2:11 pm
Chase: I'm getting McDonald's! I'm so excited! If only I was bringing it home to a methed out GF; It'd be like I was living in the Midwest.
Terin: You'd have to leave the crumpled up wrappers all over your trailer's kitchen counter.
Chase: I'm getting McDonald's! I'm so excited! If only I was bringing it home to a methed out GF; It'd be like I was living in the Midwest.
Terin: You'd have to leave the crumpled up wrappers all over your trailer's kitchen counter.
3.27.2009
Historial? Really?
Sent: March 27/09 2:40 pm
Rachel: Grading papers @ work: In this kid's senior thesis he used the word "historial"!
Terin: Hahaha, god bless that kid.
Rachel: And he's a PoliSci major! Jesus Christ, no wonder our government is shit.
Rachel: Grading papers @ work: In this kid's senior thesis he used the word "historial"!
Terin: Hahaha, god bless that kid.
Rachel: And he's a PoliSci major! Jesus Christ, no wonder our government is shit.
I don't wanna hold your hand.
Sent: March 26/09 8:15 pm
Terin: He tried to hold my hand when we were sleeping but I just sort of squirmed out of it.
Rachel: Who would have guessed that holding an appendage would be more intimate than having one in you?
Terin: He tried to hold my hand when we were sleeping but I just sort of squirmed out of it.
Rachel: Who would have guessed that holding an appendage would be more intimate than having one in you?
3.26.2009
Brooklyn bound T-Bell.
Sent: March 25, 2009
Jenna: Tacobell?
Chase: Mmmm I'm up for it.
Jenna: Holllla I'm stahvin.
Jenna: Tacobell?
Chase: Mmmm I'm up for it.
Jenna: Holllla I'm stahvin.
3.24.2009
Baldies shouldn't swim.
Sent: March 24/09 11:27 pm
Rachel: There's a commercial here that advertises swimming for infants and toddlers coupled with a visual of a swimming baby...I feel like it's unnatural.
Terin: Babies can't swim! With the exception of the Nirvana baby.
Rachel: Exactly! It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen- kind of like watching an old chemo patient swim.
Terin: If I were having chemo treatments, I'd be swimming in pudding. Not for athleticism or health.
Rachel: Haha, pudding or pasta. Mmmm, delicious!
Rachel: There's a commercial here that advertises swimming for infants and toddlers coupled with a visual of a swimming baby...I feel like it's unnatural.
Terin: Babies can't swim! With the exception of the Nirvana baby.
Rachel: Exactly! It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen- kind of like watching an old chemo patient swim.
Terin: If I were having chemo treatments, I'd be swimming in pudding. Not for athleticism or health.
Rachel: Haha, pudding or pasta. Mmmm, delicious!
Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
Chase: Is Cory drunk? Or fake drunk?
Allison: He's not here yet but I think he's drunk and driving.
Allison: He's not here yet but I think he's drunk and driving.
Drugs are bad.
Her: Boo! I'm going to the doctor tomorrow cuz I'm wheezing pretty bad so I don't have to rush to do all that work cuz I'm gonna get a doc's note :) yeah!
Him: Hahaha good plan.
Her: LOL thanks, I needed someone's approval of my plans. Damn, I'm fucked. I can't feel my nose LOL.
Him: I told u it's good. Bahahah
Her: Oh there it is, it's back on my face. I never get like this. woowee
Him: Hahahah
Him: Hahaha good plan.
Her: LOL thanks, I needed someone's approval of my plans. Damn, I'm fucked. I can't feel my nose LOL.
Him: I told u it's good. Bahahah
Her: Oh there it is, it's back on my face. I never get like this. woowee
Him: Hahahah
3.19.2009
Taco wishes and burrito dreams.
Unhappily unemployed: Ugh, I'm at a Taco Bell job fair- these are desperate times. If I work here, I'm quitting ASAP and keeping it a secret.
Chase: Oh my god. My wildest dreams come true! U could write a tell all!
Chase: Oh my god. My wildest dreams come true! U could write a tell all!
Anus Flaps
Brittney: Did you just lick my balls?
Chase: Did you just nibble my anus flaps?
Brittney: Would those be your butt cheeks? Cause if so... I was clutching and slapping them while calling you my little pony.
Chase: Did you just nibble my anus flaps?
Brittney: Would those be your butt cheeks? Cause if so... I was clutching and slapping them while calling you my little pony.
3.16.2009
Oh, shit.
Sent: March 13/09, 3:21 pm
Neurotic pooper: Ohmygod. The worst thing ever happened. One of the pipes burst in the building I reserve for poos and now all the toilets and the basement is flooded and the joint smells like shit and mothballs.
Terin: Oh no! Where will you poop peacefully now?
Neurotic pooper: I've got two reserves but they don't really hold a candle to the Admin. building- there are plants in that one. It's classy.
Neurotic pooper: Ohmygod. The worst thing ever happened. One of the pipes burst in the building I reserve for poos and now all the toilets and the basement is flooded and the joint smells like shit and mothballs.
Terin: Oh no! Where will you poop peacefully now?
Neurotic pooper: I've got two reserves but they don't really hold a candle to the Admin. building- there are plants in that one. It's classy.
Men and panties.
Sent: March 11/09 12:51 pm
Terin: I just want a new guy right now so I can forget about him, but of course it doesn't work like that.
Rachel: Oh, I know. I wish it was like underwear: where you can buy new ones to replace the gross old ones that you end up reserving your your period.
Terin: I just want a new guy right now so I can forget about him, but of course it doesn't work like that.
Rachel: Oh, I know. I wish it was like underwear: where you can buy new ones to replace the gross old ones that you end up reserving your your period.
3.08.2009
Shitty Mexican food related text messages of the week:
1) It was delicious for, like, ten minutes, until the nacho cheese formed a skin. Now I have a semen and chemical cheese mix that I need to shit out. No more blowjobs or Mexican food before noon.
2) I had double decker tacos, a burrito, and the pinto beans and cheese. With chips, lol. I had just smoked a blunt. What did you do today? Besides moisturize your face, you whore?
2) I had double decker tacos, a burrito, and the pinto beans and cheese. With chips, lol. I had just smoked a blunt. What did you do today? Besides moisturize your face, you whore?
2.24.2009
Taken from facebook IM convo
22 February 2009
Terin: "A common cause of UTI is an increase in sexual activity, such as vigorous sexual intercourse with a new partner. The term honeymoon cystitis has been applied to this phenomenon," Wikipedia.org
Chase: "Yeah, the whore phenomenon"
Terin: "A common cause of UTI is an increase in sexual activity, such as vigorous sexual intercourse with a new partner. The term honeymoon cystitis has been applied to this phenomenon," Wikipedia.org
Chase: "Yeah, the whore phenomenon"
Missing you
Feb 24, 2009 11:16:19 PM
Chase: I know that feeling, dude. Believe me. I need you here! Cause then I wouldn't feel so weird if someone was feeling the same.
Terin: I need you too. I need someone to girl talk with.
Chase: Haha you make me sound so faggy! Ugh lol
Terin: No, shut up. By girl talk, I mean have a meaningful conversation.
Chase: Yeah, I know what you mean, I miss you a lot and everything we used to do and not do, like not move from the couch all day.
Terin: Hahaha and sit in candlelight.
Chase: I know that feeling, dude. Believe me. I need you here! Cause then I wouldn't feel so weird if someone was feeling the same.
Terin: I need you too. I need someone to girl talk with.
Chase: Haha you make me sound so faggy! Ugh lol
Terin: No, shut up. By girl talk, I mean have a meaningful conversation.
Chase: Yeah, I know what you mean, I miss you a lot and everything we used to do and not do, like not move from the couch all day.
Terin: Hahaha and sit in candlelight.
2.18.2009
In a nutshell.
Sent Feb15, 2009 3:21:15PM
Chase: Hahaha, you know me too well!
Terin: It just happens after you've been married for so long. I know everything about you.
Chase: I'm having an affair, with a man. But u knew that.
Terin: I was stood up on Valentine's day and have a cheating gay husband. Great :)
Chase: Hahaha, straight man dumps me and spent VD alone. Perfection.
Terin: We're meant for each other.
(Chase sends a photo he took of himself in the mirror)
Terin: You look cute! I want to pinch you.
Chase: Casting spells. Can't talk right now.
Chase: Hahaha, you know me too well!
Terin: It just happens after you've been married for so long. I know everything about you.
Chase: I'm having an affair, with a man. But u knew that.
Terin: I was stood up on Valentine's day and have a cheating gay husband. Great :)
Chase: Hahaha, straight man dumps me and spent VD alone. Perfection.
Terin: We're meant for each other.
(Chase sends a photo he took of himself in the mirror)
Terin: You look cute! I want to pinch you.
Chase: Casting spells. Can't talk right now.
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