Chiggen.

Sent: Sept 25/09 11:06 pm
Jess: I feel like my colon is Japan and that chicken is the atomic bomb.

Slacks/slacking.

Sent: Sept 20/09 12:28 pm
Chase: I'm rolling into work in the same clothes I wore yesterday. Idontevencare.
Terin: You are the beacon of professionalism!
Chase: I do what I can.

Any excuse for dairy.

Sent: Sept 15/09 10:27 pm
Hungry girl: The guy in the apartment below me is getting high and I am seriously considering going down there to join, just to have an excuse to eat ice cream for a second time today.

Dirty snatches.

Sent: Sept 16/09 9:59 pm
Jess: Found out I have an STD...thanks, bitch.
Terin: What??
Jess: You gave it to me.
Terin: Is it from all the scissoring in bacon panties? Do you really have one?
Jess: You're the only person I've slept with lately, besides Ingrid, that I didn't used a condom with.
Terin: Do you really have one, damnit?
Jess: Yeah, HPV hahaha.
Terin: And what can you do about it?
Jess: Hope I don't get cancer.
Terin: Are there symptoms? I don't know much about HPV.
Jess: No symptoms. I just have to be careful and go to the gyno a lot...yet another vagina issue for me.
Terin: Your vag is a trainwreck. Nickname it Amy Winehouse.
Jess: I personally think it's more of a Lindsey Lohan. It used to be popular for a while.

On Demand makes everything better.

Sent 09/19 at 11:44am

Cory: Kevin told me he was seeing someone and it really hurt. Am I being retarded?

Chase: No, but who cares if he is!?

Cory: I dunno but was hear to hear nonetheless.

Chase: Yeah, but you have a cool apartment and HBO on Demand!

Cory: True. Thanks.

Chase: OH! ANDRES Showtime on Demand! So good.

Chase: uhh, AND*

Cory: Loves it.

Chase: Whattttt happened to Andres???

Cory: Who knows. Probably Syphilis.

GIVE THEM TO ME!

Sent 09/19 at 4:44pm

Chad: Just got hooked up with some authentic Chilean empandas.

Chase: Throw them in my gullet now!

Chad: FUCK YOU!

Chase: GIVE THEM TO ME!

Chad: Negative.

Let me break it down for you.

Sent 09/19 2009 at 2:45pm

Joy: Eat my poop.

Chase: Too Asian.

God listens to CCR on loop.

Sent: Sept 15/09 8:43 am

Rachel: Apparently in her VMA acceptance speech, Lady Gaga thanked God and the gays.  Someone needs to inform her that God sure as shit didn't buy that album and play it at his nightclub.

Terin: Hahaha, when are you going to go on your comedy tour?

Rachel: As soon as people other than you and my parents buy tickets.

Earl grey fecal matter.

Sent: Sept 12/09 7:31 pm

Brandy: Sweet. I'm excited to drink tea and bullshit.  I'm pretty sure this is a pre-cursor to my senior years.

Terin: Bring your knitting needles and crossword puzzles!

Brandy: Ha. And my ciggs and oxygen tank.

Terin: Shit yeah, haha. Then we can go to Bingo! I'll wave around my lunchlady arms.

Brandy: We can only hope that it'll attract attention to us in later years. Minus the soiled diaper smell.

Terin: Ew, there is no dignity in aging, wondering if that poop smell is in fact, you.

Brandy: That's why old people like babies so much.

Terin: Haha, I would just blame it on the children. Except baby poop and retirement poop smell distinctly different.

Tacos and fuck you's.

Sent: Sept 15/09 4:09 pm

Terin: Feck you.

Chase: Only if you pay me in cash or tacos- hard shell.

Terin: Mmm, tacos sound muy delicioso!

Chase: I don't speak Spanish.

Terin: Your loss.

Chase: Fuck you! White power and Amerrrrica and shit.

Terin: Bahaha, that's the epitaph on your tombstone right there.

Chase: Yours: No fee b-jee.

Hair on the bottom, unnaturally.

Sent: Sept 14/09 5:27 pm

Chase: Note to self (and Terin): trim nose hairs.

Terin: Then sprinkle them in a dish?

Chase: I smell a lawsuit with a major yogurt company.

Terin: Dannon: Now with hair on the bottom!

Second pubic hair-related text of the week.

Sent: Sept 11/09 10:06 pm

Jess: I need to shave my cooter.  I just tried to pull my tampon out and grabbed a pube as well...um, ouch.

Terin: Nast.

Just, wow.

Sent: Sept 10/09 11:12 pm

Jess: Just saw Alyssa's cooter.  She hasn't shaved in a while.

Terin: You two are the biggest dykes now! First, the nipple picture. Now this.

Jess: No, it was an accident.  She is wearing workout shorts and she lifted her legs to sit up and I caught a glimpse.

Terin: Then, that just makes you a pervert.

Jess: She wasn't wearing any underwear because she sharted.

Senior executive Snape.

Sent: Sept 14/09 10:29 am

Rachel: I am reading Harry Potter in my car before an interview.  I hope there will be questions about witches and wizards.

Hark: A Thorntoner!

Sent: Sept 11/09 3:16 pm

Terin: I just saw a man in Dale Earnhart sweatpants, flip flops, a faded black tank top, and a camo hat.

Rachel: His Lordship, the Duke of Thornton Things!

Sly employee and the family stoned.

Sent: Sept 10/09
Brother: You should pick me up for lunch so we can smoke for a half hour.
Sister: Do you have your weed?
Brother: Yeah.
Sister: I'll be there in an hour- good?
Brother. Yeah. You have Clear Eyes?
Sister: Nope.
Brother: Gay.
Sister: You're gay.
Brother: I like your face...it's stupid.
Sister: I hate your face. It's stupid.

Only in crowded art school elevators.

Sent: Sep 8/09 2:22 pm

Jess: There is a sculpture of a pillow and knives above my head right now in the elevator!!!!! That is not ok TAKE THE STAIRS!!!!!

Give this girl a job!

Sent: Sep 3/09 4:38 pm

Rachel: The end of my cover letter to an employer: "Additionally, this cover letter is stupid and a waste of everyone's time. Please give me the job- I'm told that I am awesome and feel confident that I can live up to that expectation."

Terin: Did you really say that??

Rachel: Yeah. Then I deleted it because I'm not that desperate yet.

Rachel. I fucking HATE cover letters.  If I were an employer, I would just make applicants submit their resumes and something to make me laugh.  Biggest chuckle gets the job.  Any asshole can learn a skill but funny is an asset you can't buy.

Thornton things.

Sent: Sep 3/09 2:31 pm

Terin: Thornton Things: Big Latin Mama in a cotton short and tank set cruising down Washington on a scooter.

Rachel: You know she has a boobie tattoo.

Terin: An angel tattoo, maybe?

Rachel: Or the name "Manuel".

Fetal fuck up.

Sent: Sept 5/09 12:06 pm

Terin: Dude, I finally started my period and a stain in my underwear has never felt so good. I was worried I was pregnant.

Chase: That might have been one of the best texts of my life.

Terin: Oh my god my cramps are awful.  I'm def bleeding out a genetic fuck up.

Chase: It was probably retarded.

It always ends in a fingabang.

Sent: Sept 4/09 10:03 pm

Chase: Drankin' at the Rope!

Chase: Just saw Emma!!!!

Terin: Uh, I'm apparating there right now!

Chase: Don't even kid. I wish Harry Potter was real so bad, man.

Terin: Get me a well whiskey rocks- I'll be there in five.

Jenna: So you're gonna be here in 5? Fingabang in 8.

Jesus who?

Sent: Sept 2/09 1:04 pm

Chase: Dude, I have the shits so bad I brought underwear and shorts on the train and to work in case I shit myself.

Terin: People with Downs Syndrome also have to bring extra underwear to work.

Chase: Mine is from all-you-can-eat tacos and then a huge class of 100% apple juice.

Terin: Jesus.

Chase: Who?

Terin: Harry Potter.

Chase: Oh, okay.

So judgey!

Sent: Sept 1/09 2:05 pm

Rachel: Orange County observation: Fanning out your vagina is evidently frowned upon.

Terin: Haha, did you get a look of scorn?

Rachel: AND a head shake!!

The sounds and songs of the serial killer.

Sent: Aug 31/09 9:23 am

Rachel: There is a radio station in Utah that just plays bird sounds.

Terin: Of course that station is in Utah.  That would be maddening!

Rachel: Yeah, I felt like a serial killer listening to it.

Pratt things.

Sent: Aug 31/09 12:13 pm

Sam: I hate that I can't call you to meet in the caf for lunch and sit here for hours making fun of people :(

Terin: You'll just have to hate on Double Popped Collar Kid twice as hard!

Sam: I saw him yesterday and died laughing, Lol.

Terin: I want to see a gaggle of Korean girls dragging their feet in the caf! Or running to class because they're ALWAYS late!

Sam: Haha, I've seen that already too.