Does-not-compute.

Sent Aug 29/09 at 11:28am
Joy: Chasicles, could you give me the 13 bucks I spotted you at the Korean deli from last week? I'm pooooooooor & need to raaaaaaape Derek.
Chase: Nope.
Joy: No to the money or to the Derek?
Chase: Beep boop bop.
Joy: Argh! You've transformed into a robot!
Chase: Does not compute.
Joy: I'm going to glue your ass to the chair so that you can't leave here until it computes!
Chase: What is "ass"?......disconnecting from transmission....away.

A mother's love.

Sent: Aug 29/09 at 2:32pm
Chase: Make me some steak, bitch!
Terin's mom: Make ur own, SLUT!

What?!??!!!

Sent: Aug 28/09 at 10:15pm
Scott: Helloooo
Chase: Hiiiiiiii
Scott: What's up!!
Chase: Nothing, you?
Scott: Meh. Apples to Apples.

Frankly.

Sent Aug 25/09 at 4:59pm
Homo: Frankly, I think you should get out of Connecticut ASAP.
Chase: Frankly, I'm not driving the bus... anddddd now I am... turn on the news.
Homo: There you are!
Chase: This is so fun! Thank god a bomb wont go off if I drive under 60 mph like in the 1997 critically acclaimed Sandy Bullock film SPEED.
Homo: I wouldn't be so sure if I were you. You know, as long as we're being frank.

High noon drinking.

Sent: Aug 27/09 at 12:35pm
Allison: I love The Steve Wilko Show. Teaching the scum of the earth how to live, one trailer park at a time.
Chase: What are you doing?
Allison: Watching Steve Wilko and getting drunk!
Chase: Are you serious??? Right now? Who with, Dylan the Dog?
Allison: Yes Dylan! I am bored what else is there to do?

Best friends are always 100% brutally honest.

Sent: Aug 24/09 at 11:25pm
Kasey: Send me the video of Ally from Saturday night.
Chase: K, sent one.
Kasey: She is such a lush.

Lame.

Sent: Aug 25/09 at 11:41 pm
Steven: I think there's a sheewolf in ur closet.
Chase: Ahhhh ooooooo.

TAMPONS

Sent Aug 24/09 at 4:01pm
Chad: What are you doing?
Chase: Helping Allison clean and pack... she's moving to her school apt.
Chad: Open a dresser drawer and say in a Mr. Garrison voice, "LOOK AT ALL THESE TAMPONS!"
Chase: I just choked on my spit.

Thursday lunch date.

Sent: Aug. 25/09 11:52 am
Rachel: Thursday?
Terin: Thursday it is!
Rachel: Muy delicioso.
Terin: Mmm, maybe we should eat Las Delicias.
Rachel: Bring on the runs.
Terin: I don't care what comes out of my butt if it's good in my mouth.
Rachel: There are so many things to say to that- I don't even know where to start.

I could be crocheting a blanket.

Sent: Aug 24/09 9:10 pm
Terin: Ugh, I never know what do do after work besides eat, get high, or masturbate.
Rachel: What else is there?!

Well mannered.

Sent: Aug. 22/09 7:46 pm
Chase: You are a dirty cunt.
Terin: You are a grimey asshole.
Chase: Thank you!
Terin: You are welcome!

Frat bros are dumb.

Sent: Aug. 22/09 3:45 pm
Skank 1: We're pirates of the 21st Century. Piss us off and we'll steal your weed.
Skank 2: Yeah, that, or we're bitchy skanks.

Sleeping in opposite bedrooms.

Sent Aug 24/09 at 1:59am
Chase: Ohhhh Shittt... Sherlina?
Sam: Don't talk shit about total!
Chase: Who wrinkled my Randy Travis poster?:
Sam: ...pissed on the toilet seat and stole my keys!!!!
Chase: He was a pissed off long legged Puerto Rican.
Sam: That's what happens with Alex Trebek has a picture of a giraffe in his ass during an earthquake.
Chase: You'd kill yourself too if your last name was Colmbbbbbbs.

Safety first.

Sent Aug 23/09 at 7:18pm
Youth 1: I just smoked with a 45 year old mother who told me her child was right outside being pushed on the swing.
Youth 2: Meh... kids don't need supervision.
Youth 1: Never.
Youth 2: ...only with matches.

It's not ALWAYS about sex...

Sent: Aug 23/09 at 3:00 pm
Terin: Miss you, boo.
Chase: Tell me something seshual.
Terin: I want your ballz in my mouth.
Chase: So hot.
Chase: Rub your beave on my thighs.
Terin: Finger my b-hole.

Faggy pigs in a blanket.

Sent: Aug 22/09 at 11:07pm
Scott: "White Chicks"! Jealous?
Chase: Um, I'm wasted, jealous?
Scott: I'm more wasted PLUS "White Chicks". I win.
Chase: No way! I may not have "White Chicks", but I have MINI PIGS IN A BLANKET!
Scott: Damn you.

Always a lady.

Sent: Aug 21/09 at 8:26pm
Chase: I'm two hours from Boston. I hope ya shaved ya legs.
Sam's Mom: They're smoother than a baby's bottom.

Are there any liquids or perishables in your package?

Sent Aug 20/09 at 8:23pm
Terin: Sean McGurn wrote a winky face on my facebook wall ;)
Chase: Mail him your pubic hair.
Terin: Fuck. Best response.

English brofahs.

Sent Aug 21/09 at 8:11am
Chase: Mornin' govna, are you still gunna take me to the train? Or should I drive me self and you can drop dad off later?
Chad: Top o' the mornin to ye. I'll be home in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
Chase: Pip pip.
Chad: Spit spot.
Chase: Paddy waggle and fiddly dinks.
Chad: Tra la la.
Chase: Biscuits and vagabonds.

Beer me that computer!

Sent Aug 19/09 at 7pm
Brenda: I live such a sheltered life here [in Kansas]!
Chase: It's not that sheltered. You have Google! The world is at your fingertips!
Brenda: Well right now I'd like a stiff drink at my fingertips!
Chase: Someone needs a Silver Bullet!

Wise one.

Sent: Aug 18/09 10:49 am
Rachel: In Japan, if a woman is already pregnant when she walks down the aisle, they call it a "double happiness wedding."
Terin: Haha, that sounds much more positive than a "shotgun wedding".
Rachel: I imagine that the Japanese are, not surprisingly, wary of any type of weaponry.

Hot sluts smoking weeds.

Sent: Aug. 14/9 3:30pm
Jess: Oh, you had a virus on your computer?
Jess: Too much porn watching. eh?
Alyssa: THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE IS SAYING!!! I swear, I was just trying to watch "Weeds".
Jess: "Hot Sluts Smoking Weeds?"
Jess: While inserting dildos in eachothers bums?
Jess:' Til they squirt.
Alyssa: Well, inserting bongs in each others vaginas.
Jess: I feel wrong typing this all out to you while on a road trip with my grandparents.
Alyssa: Imagine them doing all that stuff.
Jess: "Dick, I told you to use the small bong, not the bubbler!!!!!"

Wait, why do I miss them?

Sent: Aug. 17/09 11:00 am
Terin: Aw, I'm listening to Jimmy Eat World on the radio without you and Jake. :(
Chase: So, basically what you're saying is no one is making fun of you and it doesn't smell like feet and asshole?
Terin: Exactly. Yes.

The thing is, this makes total sense.

Sent: Aug. 17/09 7:51 pm
Chase: You sure are purty.
Terin: What? Where did that come from? Thank you?
Chase: Lol, I thought you said something that warranted that response but it was Jon. I mixed up the texts, Lol, wrecked.
Terin: Stooooopid.
Chase: I hate you.
Terin: I hate you more.
Chase: Lol Tampa = Tampa
Chase: Lol I did it again.
Chase: Tampa = tamps.
Terin: What? Stop mixing up texts, asshole!
Chase: You smell like feet and day old used Tampax.
Terin: Rachel says I smell like weed and Chanel.
Chase: You smell like booze and beard kisses.
Terin: Haha, beard kisses? That sounds like a gross uncle thing.
Chase: Come sit on my lap, little Terin.
Terin: Ew, get away from me!
Chase: What kinda panties do ya got on??? Little sunshine and rainbows???
Terin: Butterflies and lace.
Chase: Lies and deceit.
Terin Up yours!
Chase: Shitmouth.
Terin: Shit on my titz.
Chase: Shit on my oatmeal.
Terin: Raisins.
Chase: Black.
Terin: The Dark One.
Chase: Asshole mole.
Terin: Enrique Iglesias.
Chase: Pure sex.
Terin: Sweat.
Chase: Taint.
Terin: Linty genitals.
Chase: Asian straight pubic hair.
Terin: Flat top.
Chase: Jenna Malloy.
Terin: You gonna eat that?
Chase: Crinkle fries.
Terin: Mmm...hot sauce.
Chase: Qwerty.
Terin: Qweefy!
Terin: Con queso.
Chase: Giggity giggity.
Terin: Letchy letch.

He's actually my best friend. Part 2.

Sent: Aug 15/09 at 2:20pm
Chase: I don't know what to eat for lunch. There is so much stuff in the city.
Pat: Eat shit.
Chase: We already have one shit eater (you). We don't need another.
Pat: Weak.
Chase: Like your sex drive.
Pat: Yeah, I can never really seem to stay erect.
Chase: The first step is admitting you have a problem.
Pat: At least I'm not going to burn in hell for my impure lifestyle.
Chase: Your plan is foiled! There is no hell!

He's actually my best friend.

Sent: Aug 15/09 2:00 pm
Chase: Did you get in touch with her?
Pat: No, I'm out with my mom.
Chase: I don't give a fuck who you're with. Get in touch with her. SOS '09
Pat: I'll do it alone you greedy fuck. SOS '09
Chase: You're used to doing things alone. Sleeping, sex, living your life... SOS '09
Pat: Ouch.

Amphibious assholes.

Sent: Aug 13/09 10:56 am
Rachel: There is a little boy at the airport who keeps pronouncing "escalators" as asshole-gators.

Rude and lewd.

Sent: Aug. 13/09 11:30 am
Terin: Any word from that job you had to shout out to?
Chase: They never got back to me. She said that she would email me.
Terin: Hmm...well, my fingers are crossed!
Chase: Cross your legs instead. I don't wanna smell that mess.

Bed hogging liar.

Sent August 11/09 @ 3:00pm

Jon: Oh, I'm tireddd.

Chase: Dude, you slept in the middle of the bed alllll night. But I don't care as long as you don't mind my arms and legs all over you.

Jon: Ugh. I couldn't see the TV.

Chase: ... the TV had been off for 6 hours.

I can't drive 55.

Sent: Aug. 10/09 12:37 pm
Chase: Jon is on his way over here from work and he got pulled over doing 81 in a 55 zone. Someone was rushing somewhere to get some sex.

Bleach and blowjobs.

Sent: Aug. 11/09 12:25 pm
Terin: So, I volunteered to do a janitorial shift today for extra money and I'm considering doing it all the time. You get paid more!
Chase: What does it entail doing? It can't be that bad.
Terin: Regular cleaning and the occasional vomit/abandoned shitty underwear.
Chase: I think you're the woman for the job!
Terin: Except dropping out of art school and becoming a janitor doesn't sound at all impressive.
Chase: Better than being a hooker for hire, though that is more in your nature.
Terin: Hooking wouldn't be bad if there was a screening process.
Chase: Hipsters aren't looking. Only hairy fat men.
Terin: Haha, I know. Or sex addicts.
Chase: Nothing wrong with an addict. It's everyone else's fault!

Classy combo.

Sent: Aug. 10/09 3:01 pm
Vince: I love Percocet!!!
Vince: And vagina...
Vince: And PEZ.

Jess the hostess.

Sent: Aug. 2/09 10:59 am
Jess: Ingrid and I are picking up Alyssa at the airport tomorrow. Any ideas for a sign to make?
Terin: It should say "Seoul Yoon Park".
Jess: I made one already, you took too long. It says, "Welcome back from rehab."

It happens to the best of us.

Sent: Aug 1/09 5:05 pm
Sam: I made a terrible mistake.
Terin: A terrible mistake?
Sam: Manscaping.
Terin: Did you nick your junk or what? It always adds like an optical inch!
Sam: No cuts, just way too much hair is gone. I got into it and did my backside too.
Terin: Hahaha do you have chest/leg hair and no pubic/ass hair? I'm imagining a strangely bald middle.
Sam: LOL, yes it's terrible. I have like a little triangle above my dong it sucks.
Terin: Gawd haha, you're just going to have to grow that shit out.
Sam: It's going to hurt so badly when all of the hair grows back and gets prickly. Especially around my exit hole. I just get way too into it sometimes.

Reno.

Aug 1/09 1:10 pm
Rachel: Fuck! I have never seen so much leather in all of my life.
Rachel: And walking into that Harley store made me want a cheeseburger something terrible.