The pot calling the kettle black.

Sent: December 21/09 10:11pm
Pat: Hey, I was getting ready and realized I'm just exhausted. Rain check?
Chase: You faggot.
Pat: Fuck you!

Confirm or ignore?

Sent: Dec 9/09 9:07 pm
Terin: Um, my Grammy is now on Facebook.
Rachel: (Head shaking, eyes closed)
Terin: She's gonna see our trailer park Christmas photo on there now!
Rachel: There are pictures of us in a bathroom stoned with a dog and you're worried about the National Lampoon's Trip to the Trailer picture??

Resume services.

Sent: Dec 2/09 4:11 pm
Terin: God, the hobo next to me in the library fucking stinks!
Rachel: Isn't that his job?!
Terin: Duties on resume: stink up public places and offer unwanted advice.
Rachel: Talents include: scrounging for aluminum cans, making rich white women uncomfortable, and wearing the same pair of underwear for multiple weeks.

All you need is a Myspace.

Sent: Nov 30/09 3:17 pm
Discouraged by Dating: I bet I could get a 15 year old girl to like me. Ney, fall in LOVE with me.
Terin: Don't even try. She's not like some horny internet midget you can fuck with!
Discouraged by Dating: What if I got her pregnant and changed my phone number?!
Terin: Fifteen year olds are crafty! Look at your little sister.

Phantom ass.

Sent: Nov 25/09 4:10 pm
Rachel: Notes on the war with IBS: Had an ass grumble today and I almost couldn't tell if it was my phone vibrating in my purse or my bowels.

OC Observation

Sent: Nov 24/09 6:41 on
Rachel: OC Observation: young Latino man at the laundromat wearing high-waisted, light-washed skinny jeans, with high tops and an argyle sweater, listening to Usher (loudly) on his phone.
Terin: God, I bet that argyle and jean combo isn't even ironic.
Rachel: Fuck. Now he's listening to "Wanna Make Love in This Club" and I keep farting trying to stifle my giggles.

Rice paper shortage.

Sent: Nov 20/09 6:48 pm
Rachel: For some reason I always get left high and dry in all my pen pal relationships.
Terin: Yeah...the Saga of Pat and Marilyn ended because I was too lazy to buy stamps.
Rachel: And now you'll have that over your head for the rest of your life. Ha, no, I mean like legit pen pals- when I was a kid I had one from China and the bitch just stopped fucking writing me letters!
Terin: She was probably "purged" if you know what I mean.
Rachel: Wink!

Gracious whore.

Sent: Nov 28/09 5:03 pm
Whore 1: Do you remember last week when I hooked up with that dude?
Whore 2: Yeah, elaborate.
Whore 1: Wellllll, he is a dirty bird. He is all about sending me dirty texts.
Whore 2: Dirty texting always fees like 90's AOL chatroom sexxx.
Whore 1: Yeah, haha. He told me he liked my big dick hairy hole and he was gonna be my daddy.
Whore 2: Big dick hairy hole?
Whore 1: Lol, yeah. I said, "thanks".
Whore 2: Ha, just respond to his lewd texts with very polite ones.
Whore 1: "Appreciate it."
Whore 2: Much gratitude.
Whore 1: Why thank you, kind sir.
Whore 2: To you, I owe much thanks, big daddy.